A women on her deathbed called her husband and instructed him to look under their bed and open the wooden box he found. He was puzzled by the 3 eggs and $7,000 in cash he found in the box, so he asked his wife what the eggs were for. “Oh those”, she replied, “every time we had bad sex, I put an egg in the box”. Not bad, the husband thought to himself, after 35 years of marriage, then he asked, “But what about the $7,000?” “Oh that”, she replied, “every time I got a dozen I sold them.”

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A plane was delayed for nearly an hour on take-off. When it eventually took to the air, the passengers asked the flight attendant the reason for the late departure.
‘Well,’ she explained, ‘the pilot was worried about a noise he heard coming from one of the engines and it took us a while to get a new pilot.’

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When a priest was pulled over for speeding, the police officer noticed an empty wine bottle in his car and could smell alcohol on his breath.
‘Father, have you been drinking?’ asked the officer.
‘Only water, my son’ replied the priest.
‘Then why can I smell wine?’
The priest looked at the wine bottle and exclaimed: ‘Oh my Lord! He’s gone and done it again!’

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A man feeling very depressed walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, “That’s quite a heavy drink. Is something wrong?” After quickly downing his drink the man replied, “I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend. “Wow”, exclaimed the bartender as he poured the man a second triple scotch, “No wonder you needed a stiff drink. This one’s on the house.” As the man finished the second scotch, the bartender asked him, “So what did you do?” “I walked over to my wife”, the man replied, “looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through. I told her to pack her stuff and to get the hell out.” “That makes sense”, said the bartender, “but what about your best friend?” “I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said ‘Bad dog!'”

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