A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof, so he looks up the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for “Gorilla Removers”. He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he”ll be there in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a huge, ferocious looking dog.

“What are you going to do?”, the homeowner asks.

“I’m going to put up this ladder against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with the bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla’s testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will be subdued enough for me to lock him in the cage in the back of the van.”, says the gorilla remover and hands him the shotgun.

“What’s the shotgun for?”, asks the homeowner.

“If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog.”

——-

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A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He’s got spiked, multi-colored hair that’s green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he’s wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.

He sits down in the only vacant seat that’s directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles.

Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man, “What are you looking old man… didn’t you ever do anything wild when you were young?”

Without missing a beat, the old man replies, “Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and screwed a parrot…. I thought maybe you were my son.”

“““““

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A woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump.

A passing hobo stops and says, “since you’re about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?”

The distraught woman said “Are you stupid, no! And go away!”

The bum turned to leave and muttered “Fine, I’ll just go wait at the bottom.”

“““““

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Three men find themselves at a beach-side resort hotel in the Caribbean and they soon begin to discuss their lives and how they came to be there.

The first man says, “I use to run a successful business in the Mid West. One day unfortunately there was a huge fire and my entire warehouse burned to the ground. I collected the insurance on it and decided to move here.”

The other two nod, slightly sympathetically.

The second man says, “Similar story here. I used to run a jewelry store back in LA, but unfortunately one night there was a massive break in. I collected the insurance that I had on the jewelry and moved down here to settle.”

They look at the third guy. He says, “I used to run a small fishing business on the East Coast. Last year unfortunately the entire thing was ruined by a hurricane. I collected my insurance and moved here.”

The first two guys look at each other for a minute. Finally, one says, “How do you start a hurricane?”

——-

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