Month: January 2016

Two seniors, one 70 and one 75, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 75-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath.

The 70-year-old was amazed at the guy’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 75-year-old said, “well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”

So, on the way home the 70-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.

He said, “do you have any rye bread?”

She said, “yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?”

He said, “I want five loaves.”

She said, “my goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it’ll be hard.”

He replied, “I can’t believe everybody knows about this shit except me!?”

“““““

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A man goes into Walgreens and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.

The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man’s face.

“What did you do that for?” the man asks.

“Well, you don’t have the hiccups anymore, do you?”

The man says, “No, but my wife out in the car still does!”

. . . . . . . .

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A man goes for a shave at the barber. As he sits down in the chair, the barber comes over and pulls a small wooden ball out of his apron. “What’s this?”, asked the man curiously. The barber instructs him to put it in his mouth and to put it in his cheeks as he’s shaved. “It will be the closest shave you’ve ever had!” exclaimed the barber.

The shave is going very smoothly and sure enough the man receives the smoothest, closest shave he ever dreamed of. All of a sudden, the man gags a little and swallows the ball accidentally. Horrified he asks, “Now what!?” “No worries”said the barber “bring it back tomorrow like everyone else!”

“““““

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Four former U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado that hits a state funeral they’re all attending in Kansas.

Suddenly, all of them are blown off to Oz.

They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great and Powerful Oz.

“What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?”

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: “I’ve come for some courage.”

”No problem!” says the Wizard. “Who is next?”

Ronald Reagan steps forward, “Well…I…I think I need a heart.”

”Done,” says the Wizard.

“Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?”

Up steps George W. Bush, who says, “I’m told by the American people that I need a brain.”

”Not a problem!” says the Wizard. “Consider it done.”

There is a great silence in the hall.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn’t say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “What do you want?”

”Ummm,” he says quietly, “is Dorothy around?”

——-

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