A religious man was drowning in the middle of the sea.

A boat stopped by and the sailor said: “Hey there, do you need help?”

The man then said: “No thank you, God will save me”

The sailor left in a hurry and confused.

The man kept praying and praying.

A second boat arrived and the sailor said holding the lifejacket:

“Uh hi, do you need a hand?”

The man said: “No thank you, God will save me”

And proceeded to drown.

He woke up in heaven and saw God, he asked God:

“God? Why didn’t you save me?!”

God then replies:

“I sent you two boats you idiot.”

“““““

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Three gentlemen are enjoying a pint at the bar when the bartender says to them, “lads it’s a slow night and I’d like to add some excitement, I’m going to make a bet with you. If you can throw your watch in the air, down your pint, run upstairs, take a piss, wash your hands then run back down before the watch hits the floor, the rest of your drinks are on me.”

The first gentlemen says “That is piss easy mate!” He unclips his watch and throws it in the air, but only gets a few gulps of his pint before the watch hits the floor.

The second gentleman laughs and says, “That was pathetic! I bet I can do better.” So he unclips his watch, throws it in the air and downs his pint, but as he spins around on the stool the watch hits the floor.

At this point the bartender is laughing hysterically that the two gentlemen even tried such a ridiculous challenge and pours them a pint for their efforts, as he goes to pour the third gentlemans pint, he stops the bartender. “Watch this then.”

The third gentleman unclips his watch, throws it in the air, downs his pint, runs upstairs, takes a piss, washed his hands then ran back downstairs and returned to the bar, then swiftly catches the watch in his hand.

The bartender is clearly stunned, as he pours a pint for the third gentleman he says “That was amazing, how did you manage to even do that?”

The third gentleman looks at the bartender, takes a sip of his new pint and says, “It was simple mate, my watch is slow.”

——-

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A man had been feeling under the weather recently and decided to take a sick day.

After calling his boss he shut off his phone so that his sleep would be undisturbed for a few hours while he rested.

Upon waking, he turned his phone on to find a voice message from his Ophthalmologist asking him to come into the office that afternoon.

Forgoing his typical morning routine of a cup of coffee while browsing the internet followed by a hot shower, he immediately ran to his car then rushed to the office to be met by a full waiting room.

Half awake, the man took a seat and nervously waited for what seemed to be over an hour until the Doctor came to see him.

“Sir, I feel there is no easy way to say this… but you really need to stop masturbating.” Says the Doctor.

The man’s eyes open wide as he asks, “Why, Doc?! Am I… am I going blind?”

The Doctor lowers his head to cast his gaze upon his shoes while uncomfortably attempting to mentally prepare himself to deliver his next words.

He takes a deep breath as he braces himself, “No… You’re not going blind, Sir. However you are making the other patients in the waiting room very uncomfortable.”

——-

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A Harvard grad with a PhD (we’ll call him John) and a redneck with a 5th grade education (we’ll call him Bubba) are in a contest, and at the end of this contest (the type doesn’t matter), their scores are tied. The host of the contest informs the two men that to break the tie, they’ll have 5 minutes to come up with a 4-line poem that must use a word that he’s about to reveal to them, upon which the judges will decide who has the best poem. He them gives them the word–Timbuktu–and the 5 minutes starts. When the time is up, the host asks John for his poem, upon which John recites the following: Across the hot and dusty sands rides a desert caravan Men on camels, two by two Destination: Timbuktu

The crowd watching the contest erupts with cheers and everyone just assumes John has this contest in the bag. When the cheers subside, the host asks Bubba for his poem, upon with he recites the following:

Tim and I a-huntin’ went Found some girls in a pop-up tent They was three, and we was two So I bucked one, and Tim bucked two

——-

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