Englishman: “That your dog?” Welshman: “Yep.” Englishman: “Mind if I speak to him?” Welshman: “Dog dont talk But.” Englishman: “Hey dog, how’s it going?”

Dog: “Doin’ all right.” Welshman: (Look of shock!) Englishman: “Is this Welshman your owner?” (Pointing at the Welshman) Dog: “Yep.”

Englishman: “How’s he treating you?” Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.” Welshman: (Look of total disbelief)

Englishman: “Mind if I talk to your horse?” Welshman: “Horse dont talk but.” Englishman: “Hey horse, how’s it going?” Horse: “Cool.” Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!) Englishman: “Is this your owner?” (Pointing to the welshman)

Horse: “Yep.” Englishman: “How’s he treating you?” Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather.”

Welshman: (Look of total amazement)

Englishman: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”

Welshman: “No way , that damn sheep is a liar!”

——-

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Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”

The 94-year-old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses “Was I going up the stairs or down?”

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.” She then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”

——-

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A famous surgeon is taking patients, one at a time.

First one comes in:

–Doctor, I got a problem. I am a professional discus thrower, but recently I lost both my hands in car accident! Help me, Olympic games are just next month!

-Sorry to hear it, but we don’t have male hands right now, only female ones.

-Fine, female ones will do.

Surgeon sews him pair of female hands and patient leaves happy. Second patient comes in:

-Hello, Doctor. I am world’s best runner, but I recently lost my legs to shark attack. I need legs, cause Olympic games next month!

-We only got female legs now, no male ones.

-Any legs would do right now for me.

He sews him female legs and patient leaves.

Third patient comes in:

-Good morning, Doctor. I got a problem, you see, I am gigolo, and make money by pleasing women. But I lost my penis in some unfortunate event recently. I need it back!

-Unfortunately we ran out of penises. We only have elephant trunk left.

-Shit, okay, that should be better than nothing.

Surgeon attaches him a trunk and patient leaves.

One month later. Doctor sitting in his cabinet, someone knocks on the door and comes in. Turns out it’s first patient from month ago:

-Good day Doctor! I wanted to thank you for your surgery. Those hands – amazing! Threw discus further than anyone and got a gold. Though, there is one problem…

-?

-Everytime I try to pee, hands grasp my penis and won’t let go until I cum.

Second patient comes in:

-Thank you!! Those legs you gave me, they must be from some sporty woman. I ran fastest among everyone and won a gold medal! But here’s an issue…

-??

-Everytime I go to sleep, my legs raise up and go apart.

Third patient comes in:

-You are genius Doctor!. That trunk is pretty damn amazing in my job. But I got a problem…

-???

-Everytime I sit to eat something, I try to grasp every food I can in 5 seconds, because whatever is left he grabs and shoves into my ass.

“““““

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A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One of them transfers to another city and they’re lost without him.

A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, “I played on my college’s golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?

“No one wants to say ‘yes’, but they’re on the spot. Finally, one man says … Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m. He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, “Okay”.

She’s there at 6:30 a.m. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She’s fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles and says, “I’ll be there at 6:30 or 6:45.”

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They’re totally amazed.

They can’t figure her out. She’s very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she’s 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.

The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she’s so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can’t hold a grudge.

This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?”

The lady blushes and grins. “When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous,” she replies. “I like to switch back and forth.”

“When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his Willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed.”

The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, “What if it’s pointing straight up?”

She says, “Then, I’m fifteen minutes late.”

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