Month: July 2019

A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday

They arrive at the club and the doorman says,

“Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated…

A waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says…

“How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”

“She’s in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says:…

“Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”

Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else…

But his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,…

Calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says,

“Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”

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The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’, not ‘fascinating’.”

Sally raised her hand. She said “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good, Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate”, so she called on him.

Johhny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

“““““

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I swiped right on a girl without a picture on a dating app, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn’t expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5’2″, baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the right places. I couldn’t believe I got this kind of luck on a dating app.

I asked her what she did for a living. She said she taught sunday school. Now I never had me a Christian girl, but I’m open minded so I took her to dinner.

On the way, I lit a joint and asked her if she puffs.

“Oh heaven’s no, what would I tell my Sunday school children.”

I said okay, weed’s 50/50 some people do some people don’t. And I took her to the best restaurant I knew. I ordered the steak, she ordered the lobster. I asked for the second most expensive bottle of wine on the menu. When the waitress came to pour, She said she didn’t drink.

I said “you don’t drink?!?”

“Oh heaven’s no, what would I tell my Sunday school children.”

Excellent food, sparkling conversation but i’m bummed out, I don’t know what to do with a girl like this.

So I’m driving her home and pass a cheap motel, I figure, what have I got to lose. So i ask:
“wanna get a room and knock boots?”
She says: I thought you’d never ask!

I say: Really? What are you gonna tell your Sunday school children?

She says: The same thing I tell them every week. You don’t have to drink and do drugs to have a good time!

“““““

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A man goes to a bank and asks to deposit $5,000 into his account. The next day, he comes back and deposits $10,000. The next day, he comes back and deposits $7,500.

As he walks out, the banker asks him how he gets so much money in a day. The man walks up to him and whispers, “I make bets with people.” The banker tells him, “How do you make so much?”

The man says, “Here, I bet $50 you have a birthmark on your ass.” The banker says no, but the man wants proof. The banker pulls down his pants and shows him that there is no birthmark, but the man is still smiling.

The banker asks why. The man says, “Because I bet each person in the building $50,000 that I could get you to pull down your pants.”

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