After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket.

He is approached by the ranger who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, “I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day.”

The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “If you don’t believe me then watch,” as he throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden, wide-eyed and intrigued, says, “Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water.”

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “What lobsters?”

“””””

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Henry was doing maths homework, saying to himself…

“2+5, the son of a bitch is 7”

“3+6, the son of a bitch is 9″

His mother heard this & asked, ” Henry ! What is this nonsense you are doing?”

“Oh Mom. Don’t disturb. I am doing my maths homework”

Mom: “Is this how your teacher taught you?”

“Yes mom ”

Infuriated mother picked up her cell phone and called the teacher:

“Are you teaching maths to children by saying… 2+2, the son of a bitch is 4?”

There was silence for a moment

Then the teacher started laughing :

“What I taught them was… 2+2 THE SUM OF WHICH IS 4.”

“””””

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”
Once again, he thanked her.

He finished his round, went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.”
He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.

She said she was in sales and he said he was in sales also.

He asked what she sold.

She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”

“No, I wouldn’t.” he said.

She said, “I sell tampons.”

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at!” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”

“””””

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I was working in the ER today. This 80 year old woman gets brought in with a gun shot wound and she keeps screaming “you told me to do this! You did this to me!” So I found a nurse and asked her what happened. The nurse said the patient wanted to kill herself so she grabbed a gun and went to shoot herself in her heart, but she didn’t know where her hear was. So the patient called her doctor and asked “where’s my heart?” The doctor told her “it’s about 2 inches below your nipple”. So the patient hung up and then shot herself in the kneecap.

“””””

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