Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

First Lady: Whats that?
Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet.
First Lady: Where did you get it?
Second Lady : You can get them at any drugstore. T

he next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. Doesn’t matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

“””””

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A man is on a business trip in Romania and figures to visit a local brothel. He walks in through the doors up to the madam and asks if anyone is available.

The madam says “We don’t have women and we don’t have men, but we have a badger.”

“Huh?” grunts the man in confusion, but then thinks about it a little bit and then decides to take the badger, if they have nothing else.

He spends the night, has breakfasts and thanks everyone on the way out, and goes on with his life.

Then years later life brings him back to Romania, where he figures, familiar faces and all, he’ll go and see how that brothel is doing. Walks in, heads straight for the madam and asks if anyone is available.

The madam says “We don’t have women, and we don’t have men, but we have a video: man and badger.”

“””””

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So a man goes to his local priest and says to him “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”

“Go on” says the priest. “I swore the other day” says the man.

“Continue” says the priest.

“I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway”.

“And this is when you swore?” asked the priest.

“No father, my ball then ricocheted of the power lines and flew off into the deep rough” continued the man.
“This must have been when you swore?” the priest exclaimed.

“No father, not yet. As I was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a rat came out of nowhere and scurried off with the ball down the fairway.”

“Is this where you swore?” said the priest?

“No, because as I was running after the rat a hawk flew down from the trees, picked up the rat who then decided to hold onto my ball. The hawk then proceeded to fly off ” continued the man.

“Ahhh! I see!” Says the priest. “This must have been the point where you swore!”

“Nope not yet, as the bird flew over the green the rat had let go of the ball over the green. It landed, rolled towards the hole, stopping about two inches from the hole!”

The priest pauses for a few seconds. “You missed the f*%$ing putt didn’t you?”

“””””

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A cop was hidden in his patrol car behind some bushes at the end of a bridge writing people speeding tickets all day.

He pulls over a man going just over the limit.

The cops asks the man for his driver’s license and what his occupation is.

The man answers, “Here you go sir. I’m actually an asshole stretcher.”

Puzzled, the cop asks, “What is an asshole stretcher?”

The man tells him, “I work in a big factory. You start with a little asshole and you stretch it out with your fingers until it gets to be about 6 feet tall.”

The cop asks, “And just what do you do with a 6 foot tall asshole?”

The man says, “Well you give him a little radar gun and stick him in a patrol car at the end of a bridge.”

“””””

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