A man goes to a neighboring village to buy a mattress.
He buys the mattress for 200, lays it on his bike and start the long walk back home.
As soon as he enters his village, he runs into an acquaintance..

“What’s up” says the acquaintance..
“Went to the other village to buy a mattress”..
“How much did you buy it for?”
“200”

“Man, you got screwed..I bought a better quality mattress for 175 the other day”…
The man is a little pissed but walks on…and then runs into another acquaintance, and similar conversation follows but this time the guys says..
“Man you got screwed, I bought a better quality mattress for 150 the other day”..
?
The guys keeps walking, meeting people, everyone telling him how he got screwed, the last one telling him that he got a better quality mattress for 75 + two pillows thrown in…
The guy is massively pissed and as he gets close to his house, he runs into his neighbor..
Neighbor: “What’s up?”

At this point, the guy has no patience left and says
“I went to the other village to get screwed”..
Neighbor: “And you took your own mattress too?”

“””””

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Whenever Little Johnny’s parents wanted some “alone time”, they would send him out to the front porch with a bowl of ice cream.

This worked for a while, but eventually Little Johnny started eating the ice cream too quickly and would come back inside before his parents were done. So one day his mom came up with another idea to keep him occupied.

While bringing him out to the front porch, she said: “Johnny, once you’ve finished your ice cream, I want you to survey the whole neighborhood and then report back on your findings.” He thought it was a fun idea and agreed, then his mom hurried back inside.

After finishing his ice cream, Little Johnny looked around the neighborhood, then after a few minutes he walked to his parents’ window and yelled: “The Hendersons got a new car!”

His mom yelled back: “That’s great, keep looking!”

After a few more minutes of surveying, Johnny yelled up to the window again: “The Bakers are planting flowers!”

His dad yelled back: “Good job, keep looking!”

Little Johnny went back to surveying the area, but after 5 minutes he ran back up to the parents’ window and yelled: “Mr. and Mrs. Johnson are banging!”

Suddenly the commotion in the parents’ bedroom stopped, and after a few seconds of silence, his mom popped her head out the window and asked: “How do you know the Johnsons are banging?”
Little Johnny replied: “Because their son Timmy is sitting on the front porch with a bowl of ice cream.”

“””””

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A man is sitting at the bar, getting really drunk. When suddenly, the bartender announces last call. The man realizes he’s really, really drunk, and he needs to get home. When he tries to get off the bar stool, he realizes that he’s so wasted, he can’t even feel his legs.

So he pushes himself off the stool and drags himself out of the bar on his forearms, army-style. He crawls his way down the street, into his house, and makes it onto his couch, where he passes out. In the morning, his wife wakes him up, screaming. “You son-of-a-bitch, you came home wasted again, didn’t you?!”

“What?! No!” Exclaimed the man. “What makes you say that?”

“You forgot your wheelchair at the bar again!”

“””””

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