A blonde called her boyfriend and said, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure it out or how to get it started.” Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde said, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.” He took her hand and said, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then…………,” he sighed, ….. “Let’s put all of these frosted flakes back into the box.”

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Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says “Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me”.

His friend says “Don’t worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill”.

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.

“You reek of alcohol and you’ve thrown up all over yourself, my God you’re disgusting” etc.

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, “Wait. It’s not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He’d obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn’t hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket.”

She looks in his breast pocket and says, “But this is forty dollars”.

“Ah, yes.” says the man. “He pee’d in my trousers too”.

……………..

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A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, pal. You’re obviously drunk.”

Our wasted friend asked, “Officer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”

“Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, “Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled.”

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A man walks into a bar for a pub lunch. As he’s drinking his pint, waiting for his food a young gentlemen walks in and sits with him. After ordering a drink, they begin to talk. Mid-conversation the man hears a beeping sound. The man, confused, asks where the sound is coming from.

The gentlemen, smiling, pulls up the sleeve of his shirt and shows a small screen in his arm, saying, “OH, I went to Japan earlier this year and got a pager fitted into my arm.”

As they resume talking, a second man walks into the bar, and after ordering a drink, joins in the conversation. After a few minutes, teh first man notices a ringing noise. “Can you hear that?”

The new gentlemen opens his palm, and then proceeds to talk into his thumb. The first man, very confused, asks what he is doing.

The new guy says, “Oh, i went to Japan a few months ago and got a phone fitted into my hand. Sweet aint it!”

At this point, the first gentlemen felt a little left out, and excused himself to the loo. After about an hour, the other too began to worry. They decided to wander into the toilets and check-up on him.

On entering the toilets, they saw him naked, hand up against the wall, with toilet paper sticking out his bum. The man turns around and says “Hey, I’ll be one sec. Im just recieveing a fax!”

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