After numerous rounds of “We don’t even know if Osama is still alive,” Osama himself decided to send George W. Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let the President know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain’s MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 called the White House with this reply, “Tell the President he’s holding the message upside down.”

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One day, a young woman came into the doctor’s office, complaining of some pain. The doctor asked her, “Where is this pain?”

The woman replied, “Oh doctor, I hurt all over!”

The doctor looked at her and said, “Well, ‘all over’ is pretty vague, could you be more specific?”

“It’s just all over,” the woman started. She touched her knee with her index finger, “Ouch! That hurts!” Then she touched her cheek with the same finger, “Ouch! That hurts too!” she cried. And then she touched her ear lobe, “Ouch! You see? Even THAT hurts!” She looked at the doctor, waiting for his diagnosis.

“Are you a natural blond?” inquired the doctor.

“Why, yes,” replied the blond, “why do you ask?”

“Ah ha!” returned the doctor, his look of confusion replaced with confidence, “That explains it! You have a broken finger.”

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An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks him to help revive her husband’s sex drive. “How about trying Viagra?” suggests the doctor. “Not a chance,” she replies. “He won’t even take an aspirin for a headache.” “No problem,” replies the doctor. “Drop it into his coffee and he won’t even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how things have worked out.”

A week later, the elderly woman returned to the doctor. “Well, how did things go?” he asked. “Oh, it was terrible, just terrible, doctor.” “Really? What happened?” he asked. “Well, I did as you suggested and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up and swept the cutlery off the table. Then, he ripped my clothes off and made passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible.”

“What was terrible?” asked the doctor. “Was the sex not so good?” “Oh, no doctor, the sex was the best I’ve had in 25 years, but I’ll never be able to show my face at Burger King again.”

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One day Bill complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor.” His friend offered, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.”

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

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