An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks him to help revive her husband’s sex drive. “How about trying Viagra?” suggests the doctor. “Not a chance,” she replies. “He won’t even take an aspirin for a headache.” “No problem,” replies the doctor. “Drop it into his coffee and he won’t even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how things have worked out.”

A week later, the elderly woman returned to the doctor. “Well, how did things go?” he asked. “Oh, it was terrible, just terrible, doctor.” “Really? What happened?” he asked. “Well, I did as you suggested and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up and swept the cutlery off the table. Then, he ripped my clothes off and made passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible.”

“What was terrible?” asked the doctor. “Was the sex not so good?” “Oh, no doctor, the sex was the best I’ve had in 25 years, but I’ll never be able to show my face at Burger King again.”

……………..

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One day Bill complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor.” His friend offered, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.”

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

……………..

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Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. “Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’ to tell ya.”

“Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s my husband?”

“That’s what I’m here to be tellin’ ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery…”

“Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me…”

“I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry.”

Finally, she looked up at Tim. “How did it happen, Tim?”

“It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned.”

Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?”

“Well, no Brenda… no.”

“No?”

“Fact is, he got out three times to pee.”

……………..

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A kid gets a job in a small department store. On his first day, the manager shows him around,and explains that the company policy was to sell a product, with a product. The kid looked confused… so the manager said he would show him what he meant.

Now, it just so happened that a customer approached the manager and asked if they sold grass seed.

“Certainly”, pointing to the wide range of seed boxes, “and what sort of lawn mower would you like?”

The customer looked baffled, so the manager went on “Well, you will sow the grass, the grass will grow,and you will need a lawn mower to cut it”,

“I hadn’t thought of that”, says the customer, “I’ll take the lawn mower as well then”…and the customer leaves the store happy.

The manager then looks at the kid and says “Now do you understand our policy?” to which the boy replies “Yes…it’s good”.

Just then, a bloke walks into the store. The manager says to the kid “Go on, you can deal with this guy”.

So the kid asks the bloke if he can help. “Yes” replies the guy hesitantly, “Do you sell tampons, as I need some for my wife.”

“Certainly”, pointing to a shelf with tampons etc on it, “and what sort of lawn mower would you like?”

The customer looked baffled and the manager’s face dropped, so the kid went on “Well, the weekend’s fucked…You may as well cut the grass”

……………..

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