Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. “Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’ to tell ya.”

“Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s my husband?”

“That’s what I’m here to be tellin’ ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery…”

“Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me…”

“I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry.”

Finally, she looked up at Tim. “How did it happen, Tim?”

“It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned.”

Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?”

“Well, no Brenda… no.”

“No?”

“Fact is, he got out three times to pee.”

……………..

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A kid gets a job in a small department store. On his first day, the manager shows him around,and explains that the company policy was to sell a product, with a product. The kid looked confused… so the manager said he would show him what he meant.

Now, it just so happened that a customer approached the manager and asked if they sold grass seed.

“Certainly”, pointing to the wide range of seed boxes, “and what sort of lawn mower would you like?”

The customer looked baffled, so the manager went on “Well, you will sow the grass, the grass will grow,and you will need a lawn mower to cut it”,

“I hadn’t thought of that”, says the customer, “I’ll take the lawn mower as well then”…and the customer leaves the store happy.

The manager then looks at the kid and says “Now do you understand our policy?” to which the boy replies “Yes…it’s good”.

Just then, a bloke walks into the store. The manager says to the kid “Go on, you can deal with this guy”.

So the kid asks the bloke if he can help. “Yes” replies the guy hesitantly, “Do you sell tampons, as I need some for my wife.”

“Certainly”, pointing to a shelf with tampons etc on it, “and what sort of lawn mower would you like?”

The customer looked baffled and the manager’s face dropped, so the kid went on “Well, the weekend’s fucked…You may as well cut the grass”

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11 – I almost had a psychic girlfriend,…but she left me before we met.

12 – OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

13 – How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

14 – If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 – Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 – When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

17 – Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 – Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19 – I intend to live forever……so far, so good.

20 – If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 – Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

22 – What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 – My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

24 – Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 – If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 – A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 – Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

28 – The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 – To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 – The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 – The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

32 – The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 – Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.

34 – If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

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If you’re not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he’s the famous erudite scientist who once said:

“I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.”

His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement, and amusement.

Here are some of his gems:

1 – I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 – Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.

3 – Half the people you know are below average.

4 – 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 – 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 – A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 – A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 – If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 – All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 – The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

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