A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, “Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?” Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, “Honey, please…just one more time before die.”

She says, “Of course, Dear,” and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he’s down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. “Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could…” At this point the wife sits up and says,”Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don’t!”

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I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, “You may now kiss the bride”, but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn’t mind.
>Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.

As we passed, they all said in unison, “You may now kiss the bride!” My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned.

As we walked away I asked, “Why did *they* tell us to kiss and not the priest?”

My wife answered,

“In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!”

“””””

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Maury and Silvia Goldberg are sitting in their retirement community in South Florida…

Maury and Silvia Goldberg are sitting in their retirement community in South Florida one evening when Silvia turns to Maury and says, “Honey, I would really love some ice cream. Would you mind running to the grocery store to pick me up a pint of vanilla?”

Maury pats her on the hand. “Of course my Silvia. I’ll be back soon.” And off he goes in their Oldsmobile to the grocer. A few minutes later Silvia decides to turn on the local channel.
“This is Kurt McMaster with breaking news. There is currently a deranged man driving on the streets of South Florida into oncoming traffic. We are urging all drivers and pedestrians to get off of the roads as quickly as possible until this situation is resolved!”

Silvia gets up, takes out her Jitterbug phone, and calls Maury.
“Maury darling! You have to get off the road. There is a madman driving into oncoming traffic!”
“Silvia, you aren’t going to believe this. There are hundreds of them!”

“””””

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Fred and Klaus met, as usual, on Tuesday evening to talk about their misdeeds from the past weekend. Fred boasted, “I was at a party over the weekend, and it was insane, the hosts even had a golden toilet!” Klaus replied, “You must be crazy; a golden toilet?!”

After some back and forth, they decided to pay a visit to the people who threw the party to see if the golden toilet was real. Sure enough, they arrived at the house later on, where an older woman answered the door and asked, “Can I help you?” Fred explained, “Yes, ma’am, I was here at your party over the weekend, and my friend Klaus here doesn’t believe me that you have a golden toilet in this house!” The woman then looked at them, turned to her hallway, and called out to her husband, “Hey Hermann, here’s the pig that crapped in your trumpet!”

“””””

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