A teacher explained biology to her 3rd-grade students. She said, “Human beings are the only animals that stutter.” A little girl raised her hand saying, “I had a kitty-cat that stuttered.”

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

“Well,” she began, “I was in the backyard with my kitty when the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it,

he jumped over the fence into our yard!”

The teacher exclaimed, “That must’ve been scary.”

The little girl said, “It sure was. My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss and before she could say ‘Shit,’ the Rottweiler ate her!”

“””””

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One day, 50 politicians were flying across the country in an airplane when the plane started to experience mechanical problems. The plane crashed in a remote rural area. It took an hour for the first police car to arrive at the scene.

There was an old farmer was sitting on his tractor beside the wreckage. The police man got out of his car and looked inside the smashed fuselage. To his surprise, it was completely empty. He asked the farmer, “Where are all of the politicians who were on the plane?”

The farmer replied, “I dug a big hole with my tractor and buried them.”
The police man asked, “How could you be sure they were all dead?”

The old farmer said, “Well, some of them insisted they were still alive, but you know, you can never believe anything a politician says.”

“””””

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By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. “You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t care where.”

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.” “No problem,” the tired Marine assured him. “I’ll take it.”

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “How’d you sleep?” Asked the manager. “Never better.” The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?” “Nope, I shut him up in no time.” Said the Marine. “How’d you manage that?” asked the manager. “He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”

“””””

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Two Jewish women are walking down the street, and pass a Catholic church with a sign that says: “$200 to convert!”

They discuss it and one of them decides, why not? She could use the money.

She goes into the Catholic church, is in there for a while, and finally comes out: “I converted!”

Her friend says, “Did you get the $200?” “Is that all you people think about?”

“””””

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