A ventriloquist was walking past a farm and saw a farmer sitting on his porch. “I’m gonna screw with this guy” he thought and walked over to say hi.

“Hello farmer. I can talk to animals. Mind if I talk to your dog?”

The farmer scoffed, “Sure buddy. That dog hasn’t ever said a word to me but good luck anyway!” He chuckled.

“How’s it going dog? Is the farmer a good master?” The ventriloquist throws his voice.

“Oh yeah! He takes me for walks and gives me treats. He’s a good farmer!” Says the dog. The farmer is amazed!! “Why that mutt ain’t never said nothing to me!”

The ventriloquist says”I told you! I can talk to animals! Mind if I talk to your horse?”

The farmer is on the edge of his seat! “Yessir please do! I can’t believe this!”

“Hey horse, how’s it going? Is this farmer a good master?” The ventriloquist says.

“Yes he is!” Says the horse”he bought me a new saddle and gives me the best hay. He’s a good farmer”

Again, the farmer is stunned. “That’s amazing! I never heard that horse talk in my life!”

The ventriloquist smirks. “Glad to hear these animals love you! Mind if I talk to your sheep?”

“That sheep’s a liar!”

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A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl “Love” inspired in the same spirit as Carol’s unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school one day and screamed at her dad, asking why he gave her such a stupid name.

Carol took the blame to protect his wife and apologized.

In a fit of rage, Love shot him with her dart gun and ran away.

Minutes later, Carol’s wife came home and saw him lying on the ground.

“What happened?!” she asked, running to him.

He waved her closer, and whispered, “Shot through the heart, and you’re to blame. Darling, you gave Love a bad name.”

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An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery. But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store some blood in case a need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally, so the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW motorcycle, diamonds and a substantial sum of money.

A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.

His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab and asked him: “I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another motorcycle, diamonds & money… but you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates.”

To this the Arab replied: “Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins”.

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There are four people on a small plane heading north over Canada. The pilot, Trump , the pope and a random backpacker. Suddenly the engine starts emitting black smoke and dies.

As the plane slowly starts to fall the pilot rips open a compartment with three parachutes, takes one and shouts something about “needing to fly more planes “ jumping out of the plane deploying his parachute on the way down Trump does he same after giving a short lecture on how America’s best president had priorities -weird hand thing – “far above the normal person “ After he jumps the pope turned to the backpacker and saying a quick prayer told the backpacker that he should take the parachute and jump.

The pope said he was safe in gods hands and had lived a long and successful life. The backpacker waited respectfully for the pope to finish and then said “That’s alright. The worlds greatest president just jumped out of a plane with my backpack! “

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