I swiped right on a girl without a picture on a dating app, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn’t expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5’2″, baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the right places. I couldn’t believe I got this kind of luck on a dating app.

I asked her what she did for a living. She said she taught sunday school. Now I never had me a Christian girl, but I’m open minded so I took her to dinner.

On the way, I lit a joint and asked her if she puffs.

“Oh heaven’s no, what would I tell my Sunday school children.”

I said okay, weed’s 50/50 some people do some people don’t. And I took her to the best restaurant I knew. I ordered the steak, she ordered the lobster. I asked for the second most expensive bottle of wine on the menu. When the waitress came to pour, She said she didn’t drink.

I said “you don’t drink?!?”

“Oh heaven’s no, what would I tell my Sunday school children.”

Excellent food, sparkling conversation but i’m bummed out, I don’t know what to do with a girl like this.

So I’m driving her home and pass a cheap motel, I figure, what have I got to lose. So i ask:
“wanna get a room and knock boots?”
She says: I thought you’d never ask!

I say: Really? What are you gonna tell your Sunday school children?

She says: The same thing I tell them every week. You don’t have to drink and do drugs to have a good time!

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A man goes to a bank and asks to deposit $5,000 into his account. The next day, he comes back and deposits $10,000. The next day, he comes back and deposits $7,500.

As he walks out, the banker asks him how he gets so much money in a day. The man walks up to him and whispers, “I make bets with people.” The banker tells him, “How do you make so much?”

The man says, “Here, I bet $50 you have a birthmark on your ass.” The banker says no, but the man wants proof. The banker pulls down his pants and shows him that there is no birthmark, but the man is still smiling.

The banker asks why. The man says, “Because I bet each person in the building $50,000 that I could get you to pull down your pants.”

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Guy tells hours wife he’s going out for cigarettes. He gets his smokes and waiting to pay when the woman in front of him turns and says, “I just broke up with my boyfriend…I could use some company…”

The dude mulls it over and decides to go home with her. They have sex and he falls asleep…

At 3AM, he wakes in a panic knowing his wife is going to be furious… He yells at the woman, “Where’s your baby powder?” Confused, she says, “Top shelf of the medicine cabinet!”

He puts it all over his hands and hurries home. Sure enough, his wife is waiting up, pissed to no end. He says, “Baby, I went to get smokes and this hot chick came on to me and I’m just a man and I gave in. We fucked and I passed out and just woke up…”

She says, “Show me your hands!” He holds them out, covered in baby powder and she says, “You lying bastard! You were playing pool all night!”

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A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she’ll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and asks, “Who the hell was that?”

The husband answers “Oh, she’s my mistress.”

The wife angrily says, “Well, that’s the last straw, I’ve had enough, and I want a divorce.”

He replies, “I can understand that but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Rolls Royce’s and Ferrari’s in the garage, and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm and the wife asks, “Who’s that woman with Jim?”

The husband tells her, “That’s his mistress.”

The wife says, “Well, ours is prettier.”

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