Six guys were playing poker when Wilson loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Sam looks around and asks, “Now, who is going to tell the wife?”

They draw straws. Phil, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse than it is.

“Gentlemen! Discreet? I’m the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name–leave it to me.”

Phil walks over to the Wilson house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Phil says, “Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.”

She hollers, “TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!”

Phil replies, “I’ll tell him.”

“““““

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Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they’ve been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it’s a joke.

“We’ll be a laughing stock” says the first sailor.

“I’ll never be able to live it down” says the second.

“Let’s tell the captain that we’ve decided not to go” says the third.

Headstrong they head to the captains quarters to voice their displeasure and inform him of their decision.

The captain hears them out but ultimately disagrees and informs them that they’ll be going ahead with the journey.

“But we’ve got you outvoted 3 to 1” the sailors cried in unison.

“You fools” said the captain “you’re all forgetting one thing!”
“What’s that?” Exclaimed the sailors.

The captain stood tall and addressed them powerfully.

“That this isn’t a democracy…”

“It’s a dick tater ship!”

“““““

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So, Chad sees an ad in the newspaper that says “Circus Looking for New Talents”.

Chad says to himself, “Eh, what the hell. I’m pretty talented,” and calls the circus. A lady answers him.

“Hello,” she says.

“Hi, is this the circus?”

“Yes.”

“I’ve heard you’re hiring.”

“You’ve heard correctly, sir. What is your name?”

“Chad.”

“Alright then, Chad, what makes you think you can join the circus?”

“Well, I have several talents… for example, I can shoot a three-pointer in basketball, like five times in a row.”

“O… Okay… That’s quite impressive, sir, but it’s not really not what we’re looking for. I think maybe you should call the NB…”

“No, no, wait! I… I can hula hoop for like 30 seconds straight!”

“Sir, I really don’t think you understand what the concept of a cir…”

“No, please, I… I… I can jump on one leg while saying the alphabet backwards!”

“…”

“…”

“Goodbye, sir.”

She hangs up the phone.

Chad sits there for like five seconds until he realizes he forgot something.

“Oh crap! I forgot to tell her I’m a horse!”

“““““

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A kid comes home from school and he tells his father his math teacher wants to see him. His father asks why and kid says “well he asked me what is 6×7 and i said 42 then he asked me what is 7×6 and i said what the fuck is the difference?” his father says “ok i will visit your teacher when i have time.”.
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Next day he asks his father if he talked with his teacher. Dad says “not yet.”. Then kid says “When you come to my schools visit my P.E teacher too.”. His father asks “what happened?” Kid says ” He wanted me to raise my left arm and i did, then he wanted me to raise my right arm and i did, then he wanted me to raise my left leg i did that too but then he told me to raise my right leg and i said what am i going to stand on? my dick?”. His dad says “ok son i will give him a visit too”.
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Next day kid says his dad “dad have you visited my teachers?”. Dad says “not yet.”. Kid says “there is no need to anymore i got expelled.” dad “why did you expelled?”. Kid tells “They called me to principals office there were my math teacher, my P.E teacher and my science teacher.” Dad asks ” What the fuck was your science teacher doing there?”
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and kid says “Yeah i asked the same.”.

“““““

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