A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied: “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.”

“Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”

The little girl replied, “I will if those lazy assholes from Lowe’s ever deliver the goddamn drywall.”

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A kid gets on the bus and sits right behind the driver every day. After getting seated the child would play a game. He would always think of a new animal and say “if my mommy was a shark and my daddy was a shark, I would be a little shark” “If my mommy was a lizard and my daddy was a lizard, i would be a little lizard!”

He would keep going until he departed the bus, much to the drivers annoyance. The next day the kid sits on the bus and sat right behind the driver and started again.

“If my mommy was a giraffe and my daddy was a giraffe, i would be a little giraffe!” “If my mommy was a piggy and my daddy was a piggy i would be a little piggy!” The bus driver had just about had enough but decided to not say anything this day.

The next day the boy gets on the bus and sits behind the driver and starts again.

“If my mommy was a goose and my daddy was a goose, i would be a little goose!” “If my mommy was a lion and my daddy was a lion i would be a little lion!”

The bus driver finally looses it and stops the bus. He turns around to the child and shouts “WHAT IF YOUR MOTHER WAS A WHORE AND YOUR FATHER WAS A DRUNK?”

The kid smiles at him and says “then I’d be a bus driver.”

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Three men at a class about etiquette are asked how they would tell a woman on a first date that they need to use the bathroom.

The first one shrugs. “Easy. I just tell her: Sorry, but I gotta go to the toilet.” The teacher shakes his head disapprovingly. “No, no, way too blunt.”

The second one goes: “Well, everyone has to go sometimes and it’s time for me.” “Not too bad”, the teacher admits, “but still not quiet good.”

The third man thinks for a while and then says: “Excuse me, my dear, I just have to go and shake an old friends hand. You will make his acquaintance later tonight.”

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The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven’s 9th Symphony it’s a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:
“bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh”

And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes like this:
“bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh”

And then there’s a round of applause and everyone take their bows and and exits stage right. The conductor had a great idea though, and the basses practiced this in the weeks leading up to the concert. The would play their first note
“bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh”

And then they would quietly lay down their basses on provided carpets, and exit the stage – waiting patiently to return an hour and a half later to play their final note:
“bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh”

The night of the concert arrives, everyone is dressed to the nines (as is appropriate of course). The basses are shined and everyone is relaxed and ready. The conducter taps on his conducter’s stand to get attention, raises his hands and with a gallant downstroke the basses play the ever living shit out of their note
“bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh”

And then quietly lay down their instruments on the provided carpets and step behind the curtain. This is where things go awry,
“Hey guys,” says the lead bass “I have a great idea. There’s a bar across the street and we have at least an hour and a half before we play our next note. Let’s slip across and have a couple pints!”

Everyone thinks this is a fantastic idea, so the entire section hops along to the bar and downs a couple pints. One of the second basses after a while gets a little conserned and asks the lead bass if it was time to go back. “No, we got time. See, I tied a string to the last page of the conductors score attached to a transciever. When he gets to that section I’ll get a buzz on my phone and we can head back.”

Everyone thinks that this is brilliant so they knock back a few more pints before suddenly the lead bass stands up and announces it’s time to go. They bounce back across the street, through the musicians entrance, and up to the curtain to peek through and sure enough, they’re right on time. So they slip through, pick up their instruments and look up at the conductor and…he is angry.

Super angry.
Ready to bust a blood vessel angry.

But you would be too wouldn’t you? It was the bottom of the ninth, the basses were loaded, and the score was tied.

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