My job is so fucking unbelievable.
I’ll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:
First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I’m not sure she even showers, much less shaves her “womanly” parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I’m sure after work. He probably hasn’t been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he’s only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960’s, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it’s trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day.

Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

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Dana was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know…

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up. By chance, Dana’s grandma came by.

Grandma asked, “Why are you standing in line here, dear?”

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Dana told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

“Why, that’s awfully nice of them. I think I’ll get some for myself,” Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes.

When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, “Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?”

Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck ’em’ dry.”

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There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”

After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered. “Yes. Yes, I will.”

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. “Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?”

He couldn’t remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained to her that he didn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”

He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.”

Then she continued, “And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”

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The Teacher Asked the Class to Name Something that Ends in -Tor and Eats Things.

Henry raised his hand first. He said, “Predator.”

“Clever answer! They sure eat things!” The teacher told him.

Next, Scott raised his hand. “Oh! I know! Raptor!”

“You are very smart! Raptors eat many different things,” the teacher said.
Then, little Timmy answered. “Vibrator!”

The class went dead silent. The teacher told Timmy, “Um Timmy, I don’t think vibrators eat things…”

Timmy was confused. “Really? My sister told me it ate through batteries like crazy!”

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