Three T-Rexes are walking when one of them brushes against a shiny stone.

A genie appears and grants them one wish each.

The first says “Make a huge hunk of meat fall from the sky in front of me.” The genie clicks his finger and it happens. The first T-Rex begins eating happily.

Thinking of the possibilities the second T-Rex yells “Make a shower of meat all over the place.” Again the genie clicks his finger and it begins showering small chunks of meat which the second T-Rex begins snatching up.

The third T-Rex, not satisfied, roars “Make the same as the last one, but make it a MEATIER SHOWER!”

——-

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A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border.

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

“What happened?” asked his family.

“Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!” he said. “Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, “Jose, can you see?”

“““““

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So I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump

I said, “Don’t do it!”

He said, “Nobody loves me.”

I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

He said, “Yes.”

I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”

He said, “A Christian.”

I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?”

He said, “Protestant.”

I said, “Me, too! What franchise?”

He said, “Baptist.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”

He said, “Northern Baptist.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”

He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?”

He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”

He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.

I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.
——-

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Nick was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Nick, how about Tom Cruise?”

“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Nick and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and Tom Cruise shouts,

“Nick! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”

Although impressed, Nick’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Nick that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

“No, no, just name anyone else,” Nick says.

“President Obama,” his boss quickly retorts.

“Yup,” Nick says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington,” and off they go.

At the White House, Obama spots Nick on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Nick, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a beer first and catch up.”

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Nick, who again implores him to name anyone else.

“Pope Francis,” his boss replies.

“Sure!” says Nick. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.

Nick and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Nick says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Nick emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Nick returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss’ side, Nick asks him, “What happened?”

His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Nick?’
——-

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