A Marine major arrives at a remote post. “Where’s your lieutenant?” he asks a soldier .

“Sir, there isn’t a lieutenant assigned to this post.”

“I was told there was.”

“No, sir, no lieutenant here.”

“I’m pretty sure there is.”

The soldier thinks about it for a moment. “Well, Major, if I may ask you a question, imagine you took the word ‘rifle’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”

“Well, ‘rile’ I suppose.”

“That’s what I thought. And sir, if you took the word ‘draft’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”

Amused, the major answers, “‘Drat’ I guess.”

“And sir, if you took the word ‘lieutenant’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”

The major says, “There is no ‘f’ in lieutenant.”

“That’s what I have been trying to tell you, sir. There is no effin’ lieutenant.”

——-

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After 3 years, the wife starts to think that their child looks different, so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you

Husband: What’s up?

Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our child.

Husband: Well don’t you remember? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had a wet diapers and you said, “Honey, go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here.”

——-

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An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.

“Take a couple swings at that tree over there.” The foreman said.

The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single chop.

“Holy smokes, you’ve got quite the arm! You’re absolutely hired, but I need to know what you can do. Try your hand at this tree over here.” The foreman points out a much larger tree.

One, two swings and the tree crashes to the ground.

“That’s incredible!” Cried the foreman. “Wherever did you learn to chop like that?!”

“In the Sahara Forest.” Replied the lumberjack.

“Don’t you mean the Sahara Desert?” Asked the foreman.

“That’s why I’m here.”

“““““

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A woman’s on vacation and calls home and dhe asks her husband, “How’s my cat doing?”

The husband says, “The cat’s dead.”

The woman’s upset and says, “Well, you could have broken the news to me when I got home. I can’t enjoy my vacation now. You could’ve just said a little white lie, like the cat’s on the roof and you can’t get her down.”

“Okay, I’m sorry,” says the husband, “I’ll remember that.”

The woman says, “Anyway, how’s my mother doing?”

The husband says, “Your mother’s on the roof and we can’t get her down.”

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