An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.

‘Twenty pounds,’ she whispers.

Paddy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it’s only twenty pounds. So they hid in the bushes.

They’re going ‘at it’ for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a Police Officer.

‘What’s going on here, people?’ asks the cop.

‘I’m making love to me wife,’ Paddy answers sounding annoyed.

‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ says the cop, ‘I didn’t know.’

‘Well, neither did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!’

——-

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A group of mathematicians and a group of engineers are traveling together by train to attend a conference on mathematical methods in engineering. Each engineer has a ticket whereas only one of the mathematicians has one. Of course, the engineers laugh at the unworldly mathematicians and look forward to the moment the conductor shows up.

Suddenly one of the mathematicians shouts: “Conductor coming!” All the mathematicians disappear into one washroom. The conductor checks the ticket of each engineer and then knocks at the washroom door: “Your ticket, please.” The mathematicians stick the one ticket they have under the door, the conductor checks it and leaves. A few minutes later, when it is safe, the mathematicians come out of the washroom. The engineers are impressed.

When the conference has come to an end, the engineers decide that they are at least as smart as the mathematicians and also buy just one ticket for the whole group. This time the mathematicians have no ticket at all…

Again one of the mathematicians shouts: “Conductor coming!”. All the engineers rush off to one washroom. One of the mathematicians goes to that washroom, knocks at the door, and says: “Your ticket, please…”

——-

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Two guys are walking their dogs and come across a bar. One of them smiles. “shit yeah, let’s get wasted!” he says. The other guy isn’t sure. “I dunno, man. I don’t want to leave my dog outside around these parts.” “Dude, relax. Just follow my lead.”

The first guy puts on some sunglasses, then goes up to the bouncer, and tries to get in. “Whoa, whoa, buddy. No dogs allowed.” The bouncer says. “I’m blind, and this is my seeing eye dog.” the first man says. The bartender, embarrassed, lets the first guy in with the dog.

Emboldened, the second guy puts on some sunglasses and goes up. “Hey, buddy, no dogs allowed.” The bouncer says again. “I’m blind, and this is my seeing eye dog.” The second man says. The bouncer looks skeptical. “Sir… that’s a chihuahua.”

The second guy pauses for a second, then screams, “A CHIHUAHUA?! THEY GAVE ME A FUCKING CHIHUAHUA?!”

“““““

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Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”

“That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”

A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”

“That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!”

A nurse tells the third man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets!”

“That’s strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”

The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” the others ask.

“I work for 7 Up!”

——-

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