Jim was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Jim, how about Tom Cruise?”

“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Jim and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and Tom Cruise shouts,

“Jim! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”

Although impressed, Jim’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Jim that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

“No, no, just name anyone else,” Jim says.

“President Obama,” his boss quickly retorts.

“Yup,” Jim says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington,” and off they go.

At the White House, Obama spots Jim on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Jim, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a beer first and catch up.”

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Jim, who again implores him to name anyone else.

“Pope Francis,” his boss replies.

“Sure!” says Jim. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.

Jim and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Jim says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Jim emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Jim returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss’ side, Jim asks him, “What happened?”

His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Jim?’

——-

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A manager has two great employees, Jack and Jill. Due to budget constraints, he knows he has to fire one of them. He decides to meet with each employee, be upfront with them, and then make his sad decision. Both of them are outside of his office, and he asks Jill to step inside. Less than 15 seconds later, Jill storms out of there and slams the door behind her.

Jack walks in and says “I guess you decided to let her go?”

Boss man has a bewildered look on his face and says “I never even got the chance to! All I said was ‘I’m trying to decide whether to lay you or Jack off.'”

“““““

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Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, “Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?”

“None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.”

“Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”

Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?”

“Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one sucking the cone.” “No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking.”

——-

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There was this man who walked into a bar..

And says to the bartender : ” 10 shots of whiskey ! ”

The bartender asks : ” What’s the matter ? ”

The man says : ” Well today , i found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend .”

The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.

And again the bartender asks : ” What’s wrong this time ? ”

The man replies : ” i found out that my son is gay.”

The next day the same man comes back and orders another 15 shots of whiskey .

Bartender : ” Doesn’t anyone in your family like women ?? ”

The man looks up and says : ” Well apparently my wife does ! ”

“““““

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