Taking his seat in his chambers, the smart, HONEST Jewish Judge faced the opposing lawyers.

“So, the Judge said, I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe.”

Both lawyers became uncomfortable.

” You, attorney John, gave me $ 50,000 and you, attorney Sam, gave me $ 60,000.”

The judge now reached into his pocket and pulled out $ 10,000, He handed it to attorney Sam and said…

“Now that I’m returning $ 10,000, we’re going to decide this case solely on its merits.

“““““

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A police officer pulls over an elderly couple

He walks up to the driver’s side window and asks the husband for his license and registration.

The wife, hard of hearing, asks “what?! What did he say to you?”

The husband replies “he wants my license!”

The officer asks him if he knew how fast he was going.

The wife yells “what?! What did he say to you?”

The husband yells back “he says I was speeding!”

As the officer looks at the license he notices they’re from Ohio “you know, I used to live in Ohio. Worst place ever. I was seeing this woman there, and it was just miserable. She would never shut up, couldn’t cook worth shit, constantly belittled me, and the sex was just awful.”

The old lady once again yells “what?! What did he say to you?”

The husband yells back “he said you two used to date!”

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A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

“But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”

“Just be quiet,” snapped the police officer.

I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But, officer, I just wanted to say,” “And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the police officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding… He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

“““““

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A guys dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter is giving the guy a tour. They walk down a huge hallway filled with clocks.

“What are all these clocks for” the guy asked. “Every person who has ever lived has a clock and every time they lie it ticks 1 second” St peter says “So where is george washingtons clocks at the guy asked.” St. peter points behind them and says “It has only ever ticked 3 seconds.”

The guys then asked “where is Abraham Lincolns clock at.” St peters points in front of them and says “it has never ticked a single second.” The guy then asked “where Donald Trumps clock at” st peters say “oh, it is in jesus’s office he is using it as a ceiling fan.”

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