A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, “Geesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?”

The parrot says, “I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.”

“Holy shit,” the guy replies. “You actually understood and answered me!”

“I got every word,” says the parrot. ”I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird.”

“Oh yeah?”, the guy asks, “Then answer this — how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?”

“Well,” the parrot says, “this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willy around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can’t see it because of my feathers.”

“Wow” says the guy, “you really can understand and speak English, can’t you!?”

“Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I’d be a great companion.”

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. ”Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.”

“Pssssst” says the parrot, “I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!”

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he’s insightful.

The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes “Pssssssssst” and motions him over with one wing. “I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife and the postman.”

“What are you talking about?” asks the guy.

“When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately.”

“WHAT???” the guy asks incredulously. “THEN what happened?”

“Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over” reported the parrot.

“My God!” he exclaims. “Then what?”

“Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down…”

“WELL???” demands the frantic guy, “THEN WHAT HAPPENED?”

“Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch.”

——-

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Four professionals are interviewing for a math-intensive position in a company. The shortlist of applicants includes a mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and an accountant.

To begin each interview, the representative from HR poses a simple math problem to warm up the candidates. What is 45+18?

The mathematician immediately responds “63”.

The physicist responds “63, plus or minus 5%”.

The engineer thinks for a moment and responds “63, but for safety, let’s call it 70”.

The accountant shuts the door, checks over his shoulder, leans in close to the desk, and whispers “how much do you want it to be?”

“““““

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A young man stopped at a local restaurant after a day of roaming around in Spain

While sipping his coffee, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table.

It looked good.

It smelled good.

He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”

The waiter replied, “Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”

The visitor, though momentarily daunted, said, “What the heck, I’m on holiday down here! Bring me an order!”

The waiter replied, “I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!”

The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and then that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!”

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull he wins.”

——-

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It’s an old man’s birthday. He’s wandering around the nursing home in his birthday hat, blowing his noisemaker, laughing, and loving life.

He sees one of the other residents and walks into his room.

“Hey, Bill! Guess how old I am today!”

Grumpy old Bill doesn’t even look up. “No. Go away.”

“C’mon, ya old grump, it’s my birthday! Guess how old I am today!”

Bill still hasn’t looked up. “I don’t know, 100.”

“Nope, I’m 95! Wheeeee!” And he shuffles off.

He continues down the hall to the next room and sees another resident.

“Hey, Cathrine! Guess how old I am today!”

Cathrine squints through her thick glasses and says, “Okay, come closer.”

The old man steps up to Cathrine and Cathrine reaches her hand down his pajama pants. She fondles his old balls for about 30 seconds, pulls her hand back out and says, “You’re 95.”

The old man says, “How in the hell did you know that?”

“I heard you tell Bill.”

——-

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