A woman is dating this man who won’t commit. Her mother says, “Next time you make love, when you are done, snuggle up to him and say, ‘What are we going to name the baby.’ That will make him think about having a family.”

So sure enough, after the deed, she burrows into his shoulder and says, “What are we going to name the baby?”

He pulled his condom off, knotted it, and threw it into the trash bin. “If he can get out of that, we’ll call the little fucker Houdini.”

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A man and his cute furry rabbit walk into a bar.

It’s about 6pm, but they’re ready for a good night of drinking.

They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts.

As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other.

Finally, the bartender says: “Last call.”

So, the man says, “One more for me… and one more for my rabbit.”

The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back.

Suddenly, the cute furry rabbit falls over dead.

The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave.

The bartender, yells: “Hey buddy, you can’t just leave that lyin’ there.”

To which the man replies: “That’s not a lion, that’s a rabbit.”

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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, ‘We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!’

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, ‘Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!’

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ….. very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, ‘I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?’

The guy says, ‘I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.

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An 85 year old couple is going on holiday, when they suddenly die in a plane crash. They had been married for 60 years, and kept in good health due to their healthy diet and regular exercise.

When they reached heaven, St. Peter took them to their mansion, decked out with a fully stocked kitchen, master bath suite, and their very own jacuzzi. As his wife ‘oohed’ and ‘aahed’ at their new possessions, the old man asked Peter how much all of this was going to cost. “It’s all free,” Peter replied. “We are in heaven, after all.”

Next they surveyed the lush championship golf course behind their home, where they were entitled to play everyday.

Of course, all the old man wanted to know, was: “How much are the green fees?”

“It’s free!” came the reply.

Next, they went to the club house, and saw the lavish buffet on offer, with all of the world’s different cuisines on offer, every meal cooked to perfection.

“How much do we have to pay for two?” asked the old man.

“Don’t you understand, yet?!” Peter replied, exasperated. “It’s all free, you’re in heaven!”

“Well, where are the low fat and cholesterol tables then? The food won’t have too many calories, will it?” the old man asked, looking quite worried.

“That’s the best part of heaven,” Saint Peter said, excitedly. “You can eat as much of whatever you want, and you won’t gain a single gram!”

With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it wildly. His wife and Peter tried to calm him down, asking what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife. “This is all your fault!” he screamed! “If it weren’t for you and your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”

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