Bessie the cow

Awhile back, there was a family that lived isolated in the woods. Their only source of income was their prized milkcow – Bessie.

One day, the father of the family walks out to the barn to see his prized milkcow, Bessie, dead on the ground. He knows this means the end of their only source of income, and he is so distraught that he hangs himself in the barn.

Later in the day, the mother of the family goes out to the barn to see their prized milkcow, Bessie, dead on the floor, and her husband hanging from the rafters. She is so distraught that she heads down the river and throws herself in, killing herself.

Later in the day, the eldest son of the family goes out to the barn and sees their prized milkcow, Bessie, dead on the floor, and the father hung from the rafters. He then heads down to the river and sees his mother washed up on shore, dead. He then sees a leprechaun, a female leprechaun.

The leprechaun approaches and asks “Having a bad day?”

“Suppose so”, the eldest son responds.

The leprechaun then tells him, “if you can have sex with me 5 times in a row without stopping, I’ll bring your parents, and your prized milkcow, Bessie, back to life.”

“Why not?” says the eldest son, but only lasts twice before having to stop so the Leprechaun kills him.

Later in the day, the second eldest son of the family goes out to the barn and sees their prized milkcow, Bessie, dead on the floor, and the father hung from the rafters. He then heads down to the river and sees his mother washed up on shore, and his older brother dead. He then sees a leprechaun, a female leprechaun.

The leprechaun approaches and asks “Having a bad day?”

“Suppose so”, the second eldest son responds.

The leprechaun then tells him, “if you can have sex with me 5 times in a row without stopping, I’ll bring your parents, your brother, and your prized milkcow, Bessie, back to life.”

“Why not?” says the second eldest son, but only lasts four times before having to stop so the Leprechaun kills him.

Later in the day, the youngest son of the family goes out to the barn and sees their prized milkcow, Bessie, dead on the floor, and the father hung from the rafters. He then heads down to the river and sees his mother washed up on shore, and his older brothers dead. He then sees a leprechaun, a female leprechaun.

The leprechaun approaches and asks “Having a bad day?”

“Suppose so”, the youngest son responds.

The leprechaun then tells him, “if you can have sex with me 5 times in a row without stopping, I’ll bring your parents, your brothers, and your prized milkcow, Bessie, back to life.”

“Ok”, replies the youngest son, “but what if I can have sex with you 10 times in a row?”

The leprechaun says, “if you can have sex with me 10 times in a row without stopping, I’ll bring your parents, your brothers, and your prized milkcow, Bessie, back to life. I will also give you all the gold I have”

“Ok”, replies the youngest son, “but what if I can have sex with you 15 times in a row?”

The leprechaun says, “if you can have sex with me 15 times in a row without stopping, I’ll bring your parents, your brothers, and your prized milkcow, Bessie, back to life. I will also give you all the gold I have. On top of that, I will grant any wish you want. But if you can’t have sex with me 15 times in a row I will kill you”

“Ok”, the youngest son replies, “But if I have sex with you 15 times in a row, what would stop you from dying?”

“Why would I die?”, asks the leprechaun.

“Well, Bessie did.”
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Afterlife

Bill and Frank are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Frank dies. Bill doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife.

Then one day he gets a call. It’s Frank. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’ Bill asks. ‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex, take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.’ ‘Oh, my God,’ says Bill. ‘So that’s what heaven is like?’ ‘Oh no,’ says Frank. ‘I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park.’
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Old ladies

Two old ladies were outside smoking one day when it started to rain.

One of the ladies took out a condom, cut off the tip and put it over her cigarette.

The other lady said, “Hey, that’s a good idea. What’s that called?”

The lady responded, “It’s a condom.”

The other lady said, “Where can I get one of those?”

She said, “Oh, just about any grocery of drug store.”

So, the next day, the lady went to a local drug store, went up to the cashier, and said, “I need to get some condoms.”

The cashier looked at her puzzled, because of her age, and said, “Um, what size?”

The lady responded, “Hmmm, one that would fit a Camel.”

“““““

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State Trooper

Two oilfield workers from North Dakota were on a trip to South Texas. They went to sign on with a new drilling contractor when they were pulled over by a State Trooper.

The trooper walked up and tapped on the driver-side window with his nightstick.

The roughneck rolled down the window and WHACK – the trooper smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

“What the heck was that for?” the roughneck asked.

“You’re in Texas, ” the trooper answered. “When we pull you over in Texas, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car.”

The trooper ran a check on the license and the roughneck was clean, so he gave him his license back.

The trooper then walked around to the passenger side and tapped on the window and the other roughneck rolled down the window and WHACK – the trooper smacked him on the head with the nightstick.

“What’d you do that for?” the roughneck demanded.

“Making your wish come true,” replied the trooper.

“Making WHAT wish come true?” the roughneck asked.

“I know you roughneck types,” The trooper said. “A hundred feet down the road, you would’ve turned to your buddy and said, ‘I wish that SOB would’ve tried that on me!'”

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