An married couple had a son in his late 20s still living at home. The parents were concerned that they’re son showed a disinterest with pursuing settling down getting on with his life.

The son was working at his part-time job at a pizza place. The dad, at home, said, “I have an idea.” He laid out a handful of hundred dollar bills, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey

His wife said, “what’s this for?” The husband, “This will give us an idea of what path our son will take. If he takes the money, he’s going to be a successful businessman. If he takes the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher. But, if he takes the Whiskey, our son will be a deadbeat drunkard.”

With the son coming home any minute, the couple hid in the closet to see which item their son will choose.

The son comes home, sees the items lying on the table. He grabs the wad of cash, skims through it, and puts it in his pocket. He grabs the Bible, skims through it for a good while, and puts it in his back pocket. He grabs the bottle of whiskey, opens it, smells the aroma as if it were a fine wine, then drinks half the bottle and takes it with him as he leaves the room.

“Now what?” The wife asked. “Our son took them all!”

“It’s even worse than I thought,” the father replied. “He’s going to be a politician!”

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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.” The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. “Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.” The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?” The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”

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A doctor moves to America, but is not allowed to continue practicing medicine. So he opens a shop with a sign that says “$20 and we’ll cure any illness. Guaranteed, or you get $100 back.”

A lawyer sees the sign and realizes he can make an easy $100. He walks into the clinic and says he lost his sense of taste. The doctor looks him over and tells the nurse to get the medicine out of box 20.

The man is given a dose by mouth. He vomits in disguised and said, “That was the most disgusting thing I ever tasted!” The doctor replies, “Congratulations! you’re cured! That’ll be $20.”

The man goes back the store and says, “please help me, I lost my memory!” The doctor takes him to the back room and says, “nurse get me the medicine out of box 20.” The man says please no! That stuff was awful!” The doctor replays, “Congratulations! That’ll be $20.”

The man returned the next week. He said, “doctor, doctor please help me I can’t see anything!” The doctor says, “sorry I can’t help you here’s your money.” The doctor hands the man his money. The man said, but the sign says you would pay $100. This is only $10.

The doctor says, “Congratulations! You can see! That’ll be $20”

“””””

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So a gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.

Quickly, the new “gorilla” becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the “Human-like” gorilla.

About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him.

A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lions den.

The man starts screaming “HELP!! HELP!!!” Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, “Shut the fuck up right now or you’re going to get us both fired.”

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