Man goes out drinking at a bar and he gets so shitfaced that his wife has to go pick him up. They get home, he pukes up the stairs, and all the way to bed. Wife finally gets him stripped, showered and in bed. Man wakes up in the morning, and has only vague memories of going out the night before.

On the nightstand is a red rose. He carefully ventures downstairs and finds a pristeen house, and a hot breakfast on the counter with his name beside it. His wife is no where to be found. His son comes into the room, and the man says “I suppose Mum is royally pissed, but what’s all this?” Son says “Mum’s thrilled. You puked like a rookie, fell down the stairs twice, broke her antique end table, shoved her, and threw up on the floor on the way out of the shower.” Man says “So WHY is Mum thrilled??” Son says “Well, when Mum tried to get you into bed, you shoved her onto the floor screaming ‘Fuck off, you! I’m married!!”

“““““

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Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?

Interviewer: Brown one.

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer: And the black one?

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?

Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?

Interviewer: Black.

Farmer: It eats grass.

Interviewer: And the other one?

Farmer: Grass.

Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!

Farmer: Because the black one’s mine.

Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?

Farmer: It’s also mine?

——-

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Three vampires are in a castle in Transylvania discussing how strong and powerful they are. The youngest of the group slams his fist on the table and exclaims, “I am the fastest out of us three! Watch this!”

He bursts out the window transforming into a bat and flies towards a small village. 2 minutes later, he returns with his face covered in blood.

“What happened?!” the other two Vampires ask.

“You know that village by the woods?” the youngest Vampire explained. “I flew down there, killed and drank the blood of an entire family, and flew back here before they even knew what hit them.”

“Very impressive!” shouted the second vampire. “But you’re 1000 years too young to be faster than I!” and he burst threw the same window as the first, headed to the village. 1 minute later, the second vampire returned to the room through the window, his face a mask of blood.

“What happened?” exclaimed the other two vampires.

“That same village you went too? Many villagers gathered around the house you attacked to see what had happened. I managed to kill and drink the blood of five whole families and get back here before they even knew what hit them.”

“Very impressive….” said the eldest vampire quietly. “But you are also 1000 years too young to be faster than I. I AM THE STRONGEST and FASTEST vampire alive!” and in a flash, the eldest vampire was through the window. 15 seconds later, the eldest returned to the room, his face drenched in blood.

“What happened?!” exclaimed the other two vampires.

“Did you see that tree the villagers planted years ago at the front of their village?”

“Of course.” said the other two vampires.

“Well, I did not.”

——-

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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple are involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'” and he left.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting.

While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if their marriage didn’t work out; could you get a divorce in heaven?

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.”

“Great!” said the couple, “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.

“OH, COME ON!,” St. Peter shouted,

“It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”

“““““

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