The Doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, ‘I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.’ The woman was shocked of the Doctor’s prognosis, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

‘Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer. So, let’s head to the club and have a martini.’ After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, ‘My Doctor said I have with AIDS.’ The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat. After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, ‘Mum, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??’ ‘Because I don’t want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I’m gone.’
“””””

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Disciple: “Male virgins are often shamed and ridiculed.”

Confucius: “Exactly.”

Disciple: “However, female virgins are viewed in a more positive way. Where does the difference come from?”

Confucius: “An army that has failed all its attacks is weak, but a fort that has stopped all attacks is strong.”

Disciple: “I know of a fort that has never been attacked. It was built 50 years ago. Is it stronger than the others?”

Confucius: “I don’t know if it’s stronger, but I can tell you that the fort has never been worth attacking.”

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Two blokes were on a plane one day and they were sitting side by side. Coincidentally, they each had one black eye. They started talking.. ‘hey mate do you mind if I ask how you got your black eye?’.

‘Yeah no worries’, the other one responded. ‘I was at the airport check in and when I got to the counter, I couldn’t help but notice the girl at the check in had massive tits, so instead of asking for two tickets to Pittsburg I accidentally asked for two pickets to titsburg and she hit me!.. Can I ask how you got yours?’..

‘yeah no worries, it’s actually quiet a similar story to yours’ the other guys says.. ‘I was at home this morning about to eat breakfast with the Mrs and kids and instead of asking me mrs “hey can you please pass me the frosty’s cereal”, I accidentally said “you’ve ruined me life you evil cunt”

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A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?”

“What dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

”I think you’re bad luck.”

“““““

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