An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 85-year-old said, “Things are great and I’ve never been better. I just got married and we have a huge age gap. She’s only 20 year-old! My bride is also pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. “I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.”

“As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge. He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went ‘bang, bang’. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.”

“Now, what do you think of that?”, asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”

The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”

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A man goes to heaven with two friends. When they get there they see ducks everywhere. St. Peter informs them that they can do whatever they want but don’t step on the ducks.

A week goes by and one man steps on a duck. St. Peter comes out with this ugly woman and says ” this is who you will spend eternity with”. A month later the second man steps on a duck. St. Peter shows up with a hideous woman and says “this is who you will spend eternity with”.

After a year the third man hadn’t stepped on a duck and St. peter shows up with a gorgeous woman. The man can’t believe it and says ” what could I have done to deserve such a beautiful woman”. The woman says “I don’t know all I did was step on a duck”

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A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary and he’s wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, “I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”

The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?”

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, “There’s no charge.”

“No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,” she says.

“Honestly, ma’am it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. So I just switched the heads.”

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Two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, “As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you’ve wished to do the most.”

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, “Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?”

He asks her. “Shall we?” She eagerly replies, “Oh, yes, let’s! But let’s change positions. This time, I’ll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head.”

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