A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer. Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, “Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?” The lawyer replied, “Of course, how much was the roast?” “$7.98.” A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.

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An American Soldier boarded a train on his way home from army deployment. The train was quite crowded, and the Army Soldier walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman’s poodle.

The war-weary Soldier asked, “Ma’am, may I have that seat?” The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, “Americans are so rude.. My little Fifi is using that seat..”

The Soldier walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. “Please, Ma’am. May I sit down? I’m very tired.” She snorted, “Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!” This time the Soldier didn’t say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked, “Someone must defend my honor! Put this American Soldier in his place!” An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. “Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”

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A blonde guy gets home from work. He hears his wife screaming. It’s coming from their bedroom upstairs. He sprints up, and opens the door to see his wife laying naked on their bed, sweating and panting.

“Honey! Help! I’m having a heart attack!”

He runs back down the stairs and starts dialing the ambulance, when his son and daughter tell him:

“Dad! Uncle Terry’s upstairs! And he’s naked!”

He slams down the phone, sprints back up the stairs, runs past his wife and opens the wardrobe. Sure enough, there was his brother crouching in the corner naked.

“WHAT THE HELL TERRY! My wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!”

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The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.” The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

“Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.” The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?” The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

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