An old Marine Pilot sat down in a Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, “are you a real pilot”?

He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans… Flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I’ve taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women. I’m a 100% lesbian.’

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:
“Are you a real pilot?”

He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’

“““““

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A bus full of catholic school girls gets in a horrible accident.

Sadly all on the bus perished and are waiting in line at the pearly gates. St Peter approaches the first girl in line.

“Mary Margaret, I have one question for you, and it is of the utmost importance that you answer truthfully. Have you ever touched a penis?”

Mary blushed a little bit. “Well, yes, I have. I once reached into a boys pants and touched his penis with the tip of my finger. But that was all.”

“Very well Mary. Dip your finger into this holy water and then you may enter Heaven.”

St Peter then approaches the next girl in line.

“Anne Beth, have you ever touched a penis?”

“Yes, I once reached in a boys pants and grabbed his penis.”

“Very well,” said St Peter “Dip your hand in holy water and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

At this point in time there is a commotion in the back of the line, as one of the girls is pushing her way up the line.

“Katherine Anne, you need to wait till it’s your turn.” St Peter strictly informed the girl.

“No, I’m not staying in the back of the line. There’s no way I’m rinsing my mouth out with that holy water if Karen has to wash her ass out with it first!”

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A girl climbed a tree behind a Catholic Dating church to pick fruits. While picking her fruits high above the tree a priest happens to walk by and sees the girl up above him and realized that the girl was not wearing any underwear.

He calls the girl down and tells her that it’s dangerous to climb tress and gives her $20 to buy a pair of underwear to cover herself up. The girl went home and informed her mother how she got the $20.

The next day, the mother went to the back of the church without an underwear and climbed the tree and waited for the priest to show up. The priest walks by and sees the mother in all her glory … calls her down, and tells her that it’s dangerous to climb trees and gives her $3. The mother then asked the priest why is only getting $3? The priest replied that’s for you to by a disposable razor.

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So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, “Sonny, would you like some nuts? I’ve got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you’d like.”

“Sure.”, I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

“What a nice lady”, I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.

A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts. I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.

After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.

I asked her, “Why don’t you eat them yourself?”

“Because we’ve got no teeth”, she replied.

“Then why do you buy them?”, I asked.

“Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them.”

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