So I was sitting at the bar one day, and I say to the bartender

“Hey barkeep, can I get a rum and coke?”

“Sure thing! Just give me one second!”

The bartender grabs the rum, he grabs the coke, and puts an apple on the bar

“Hey what the hell is this”

“Take a bite”

I took a bite and was amazed

“Holy shit this take like rum”

“Turn it around”

I turn the apple around and take a bite

“Holy shit it taste like coke”

The bartender laughs and just says

“I’m a mixologist”

I called up one of my buddies and told him to get down to the bar as soon as possible, he comes in and I tell him to order some kind of mixed drink

“Alright I want a Gin and Tonic”

“Gin and tonic coming right up!”

The bartender grabs the gin, he grabs the tonic and comes back and puts an apple on the bar.

“WHAT THE FU-”

I cut him off, “take a bite”

He takes a bite

“Woah Tonic”

The bartender says “turn it around”

Confused my friend spins the apple and takes a bite “AND THERE IS THE GIN!! WHAT HOW?!?”

The bartender laughs and says “I’m a mixologist”

So my buddy and I were enjoying our flavored apples when one of our mutual friends walk in

I say to him “DUDE ASK THIS BARTENDER FOR ANYTHING IN THE WORLD, HE HAS WHAT YOU WANT, AND HE PUTS IT IN AN APPLE.”

Our mutual friend looks at both of us, chuckles when he sees his pals in the bar freaking out about apples. “Alright bartender I want your finest….pussy”

“Uhhh, let me see what I can do”

The bartender goes into the back and not more than a minute later comes back and puts an apple on the bar “Take a bite”

Our buddy takes a bite and immediately spits it out “WHAT THE FUCK MAN THIS TASTE LIKE ASS”

The bar keep smiles and says…”Turn it around”

——-

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3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms “You have finally freed me after all these years, so I’ll grant each one of you 3 wishes.”

The first guy immediately blurts out “I want a billion dollars.” POOF, he’s holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50

The second man thinks for a bit, then says “I want to be the richest man alive.” POOF, he’s holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.

The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says “I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life.” POOF, his arm starts rotating.

The Genie tells them it’s time for their second wish.

First guy says: “I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth.” POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.

Second guy says “I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want.” POOF, his looks change and the first guy’s wife immediately starts flirting with him.

Third guy says “I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die.” POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.

First guy does, and after a while says “I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die.” POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don’t bother him any more.

Second guy says “I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever.” POOF, he looks younger already.

Third guy smiles triumphantly and says “My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth.” POOF, he’s now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.

The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: “I’ve invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I’ve never gotten so much as a cold in all these years.”

Second guy smiles and says “Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I’m still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven’t aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed.”

Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: “Guys, I think I fucked up.”

——-

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A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

——-

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Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered and all became millionaires. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.

The first millionaire son said: “I built a big house for our mother.”

The second millionaire son said: “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”

The third millionaire son said: “I’ve got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible and you know she can’t see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.”

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks.

She wrote to the first son: “Milton, the house you built is too big. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”

She wrote to the second son: “Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never used the Mercedes and the driver is so rude.”

She wrote to the third son: “Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious!”

“““““

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