A man runs out of gas while driving through rural Iowa. His cell phone dead, he walks along the highway until he finds a farmhouse. He knocks on the door, and an old farmer offers to fuel up his car after they finish dinner, which he kindly invites him to.

While enjoying his meatloaf and company of the farmer and his wife, the man looks out the window and sees a one-legged pig wriggling around in the mud like a earthworm.

“Say if you don’t mind me asking,” says the traveler, “what’s the story behind that pig out there? Looks like he’s seen better days.”

The wife puts down her glass of milk, and excitedly responds, “golly, you should have seen what that pig has been through. He’s a damn hero! Three years ago, the chicken coop got hit by a tornado. Well this little feller, he runs out into the storm and pulls out every single chicken before it was smashed to pieces.”

Impressed, the traveler responds, “Wow, that’s incredible! I take it that’s how he lost his legs?”

“Now just wait til you hear this,” says the farmer. “Back in July, our grain silo got hit by lightning, and it damn near went up in flames when our grandson was in there stomping down the grain. As god as my witness, this pig climbed up the ladder and pulled him out before the whole damn thing collapsed.”

Fascinated, the traveler interjects “Golly! So then that must be how he lost his legs, right?”

“Nope, he came out of that unscathed,” says the wife.

“Well then tell me, what the hell happened to him?!”

The old farmer casually responds, “well you don’t eat a pig like that all at once.”

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After a stressful day, one man comes home and sits in his backyard, drinking a beer.

As he’s getting up to get a snack, he stops and asks, “Jesus, what is the meaning of life?”

To which Jesus replies,”You slave in the sun to support the ones you love. You make money so you can buy things for your family to keep them happy.”

The man asks,”Jesus, why is life so hard?”

To which Jesus replies,”That, no one may ever know. You have to overcome many obstacles to be successful.”

The man asks again,”How was the universe created?”

Jesus replies,”I’m sorry, señor, but can you stop asking questions? I’m trying to mow your lawn.”

“““““

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A man is walking along when he sees a ladder going straight up into the clouds. His curiosity gets the better of him so he starts climbing.

He reaches a cloud, upon which is sitting a stout, ugly woman.

“Screw me or climb the ladder to success,” she says.

No thanks, thinks the man, so he climbs the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud is a slightly thinner woman, who is a bit easier on the eye.

“Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success,” she says.

“Well,” thinks the man, “might as well keep going.”

On the next cloud is another lady who this time is very attractive.

“Screw me now or climb the ladder to success,” she flirted.

As he turns her down and goes on up the ladder, the man thinks to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud is an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the whole works. “Fuck me hard or climb the ladder to success,” she begs.

Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400-pound ugly man, armpit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.

“Who the hell are you?” the man asked.

“Hey cutie,” said the ugly fat man, “my name is Cess!”

“““““

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A group of accountants and a group of engineers take a trip together on a train. The 3 accountants each buy a ticket , but the 3 engineers only buy one ticket to share. “How do you think that’s going to work?” asks one of the accountants. “You’ll see.”, an engineer responds.

As the train leaves the station, all 3 of the engineers pile into a bathroom and when the conductor knocks on the door, one arm comes out through a narrow crack in the door to give him the ticket.

The accountants all agree that this is a great way to save money, so on the return trip, the accountants only buy one ticket, but the engineers don’t buy any tickets. “How do you think that’s going to work?” asks an accountant. “You’ll see.” responds an engineer.

As the train leaves the station, all three accountants pile into one bathroom and an engineer knocks on the door and says “Ticket, please.”.

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