A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing isn’t as good as it used to be. What should I do?” The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure.

When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.”

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?” He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. still no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” She replies, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!”

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A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00, which seemed awfully cheap.

“Why so little,” she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her seriously and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then found it kind of amusing.

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them enter and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman’s husband came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, “Hi, Bob!”

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There once was a milkman in a village. He was very shy but always very honest. He was always very meticulous about giving a person the exact amount of milk they wanted.

So you could imagine the milkman’s surprise when he found a court summons waiting for him at his house.

He was very nervous as he had never brushed up against the law before. So, when the court day came, he put on his best suit, brushed his hair, and went on his way.

When he stepped into the court, he saw the baker in the plaintiff’s bench. The milkman went into the defendant’s bench and waited for the judge to speak.

“Baker, what is your complaint?” asked the judge.

“Well, here’s the situation. Everyday I order a pound of milk. But, whenever I go to weigh it, it’s always less than a pound. I want to be compensated for all of the money that was stolen from me by that filthy milkman!”

The judge turned to the milkman and asked, “Well, how do you plead?”

“Not guilty, your honor.”

“Is it possible that your scale you use to weigh is not correct?” asked the judge.

“Well, your honor, I am not the richest man so I can’t afford the most expensive scale. But I am positive that what I use is satisfactory.”

The judge thought for a moment and then asked, “Is it possible that the stones you use as the counterbalance on the scale are slightly off?”

“I don’t use stones.” The milkman said plainly.

“So, what do you use?” The judge asked, exasperated.

“I use the pound of bread I get from the baker as the counterbalance.”

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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into her local RiteAid pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, „I would like to buy some cyanide.” The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?” The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!” The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

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