A woman is having her portrait painted and instructs the artist to add a gold bracelet to each of her wrists, a strand of pearls around her neck, ruby earrings, and a diamond tiara.

The artist pointed out that would be tantamount to lying.

The woman said “Look, my husband is running around with a young blond. After I die, I want her to go crazy looking for the jewelry.”

“““““

.xyz Domains names for only $1.99, .site for only $2.99, .com only $8.99 at LocoDomains.com

A man is vacationing in Jerusalem with his family when his stepmother gets very ill, the next day she passes away.

The man asks for her body to be flew back to their home state to be buried there, but he finds out that it will cost $5000. He is given an offer to bury her right there in Jerusalem for only $150.

The man thinks about it for a while, but eventually says he will pay the $5000 to ship her back home. A local walks up and is amazed, saying that he must have loved his stepmother very much.

The man glances around and whispers to the local, “No, not really, it’s just that I heard of a case where someone was buried here and they rose three days later, and I don’t want to deal with that.”

“““““

Messianic Dating at MessianicMatchmaker.com to meet Messianic Jewish women and men.

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!” That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.”
She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep.”

——-

.site Domains names for only $2.99, .online for only $4.99, .com only $8.99 at LocoDomains.com

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:

“Talking Dog For Sale.” He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the Lab replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.” “But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

“Ten dollars.”

The guy says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

“Because he’s a liar. He didn’t do any of that shit.”

“““““

Pets & Kids Blog at ptkid.com to find cool new products.