Dugly came home after a hard day at work. He went into the kitchen and realized that it had been freshly painted. He was surprised. He asked his wife if she had painted the kitchen.

Jill sat on the couch while eating Cheetos and bon-bons. “No,” she replied. “I’ve been asking you to do the kitchen for weeks. I was complaining to the neighbor about it and he said that if I would have sex with him he would paint it today.”

Dugly immediately ran upstairs into the bedroom. Jill could hear the closet door open. She knew he kept the gun there. She giggled with glee about the trouble she was about to cause.

Dugly stormed down the stairs and he threw black, lacy lingerie on her lap. He said, “If you see him tomorrow put this on. I need shelves put up in the garage!”

“””””

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My friend thought I was lonely so he set me up on a blind date with a beautiful girl from his work. She had long dark hair. Amazing boobs that really complemented her hourglass waist and a peach of a booty.

The date went amazing, we shared lots of different interests and got on really well. She told me early on that she found me attractive.

After many drinks we agreed to continue the conversation at my place so I ordered a taxi and off we went. Few more glasses of wine a things moved to the bedroom.

We were kissing on the bed and my hands moved from her waist to her boobie area. She grabbed my hand and suddenly looked nervous. “I have a confession to make” she said. “I actually only have really small boobs. I put socks in my bra to make them look bigger”

I told her it wasn’t a problem but I also had a confession to make. “I’m sorry but I also must confess I have the penis of a baby” I told her. My voice full of shame.

She put her hand on my mine and told me it was ok. We started kissing again then I slowly removed her dress. I took off her bra and out popped the socks.

She then pulled down my pants.

Her eyes when wide with shocked, the air left her body and she started to tremble.

“Yo yo you ttttold me you ha ha hadd the penis of a baby” she said shaking.

“I do” I replied grabbing the monster. “8 pound 4 ounces”

“””””

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Up in the hill country, Jethro and Daisy Mae get hitched and go off to Niagara Falls for a week-long honeymoon. But just two days latter, Jethro comes through the door of his father’s house in a lather.

His Pappy asks him, “Boy, why you home so early? You got another 5 days on your honeymoon?”

Jethro: “I’m mad as hell, I can’t be married to her any longer. I need a divorce.”

Pappy: “A divorce??? Why???”

Jethro: “She’s a virgin!!!”

Pappy: “What, boy??? What’s the matter with that???”

Jethro: “Hell, Pappy… if she ain’t good enough for her own family, she sure as hell ain’t good enough for ours!!!”

“””””

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The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it,”

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, “What?”

He heard, “This is the police. What’s going on down there?” The man replied, “I’m checking out the rear axle, it’s busted.”

“Well,” the cop answered, “you might as well check your brakes too while you’re down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.”

“””””

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