By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. “You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t care where.”

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.” “No problem,” the tired Marine assured him. “I’ll take it.”

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “How’d you sleep?” Asked the manager. “Never better.” The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?” “Nope, I shut him up in no time.” Said the Marine. “How’d you manage that?” asked the manager. “He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”

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Two Jewish women are walking down the street, and pass a Catholic church with a sign that says: “$200 to convert!”

They discuss it and one of them decides, why not? She could use the money.

She goes into the Catholic church, is in there for a while, and finally comes out: “I converted!”

Her friend says, “Did you get the $200?” “Is that all you people think about?”

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A man applies for a government job A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?” He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.
”Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.”
The interviewer says, “That will give you extra points toward employment.” Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”

The man says “yes, a bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles”
The interviewer is shocked, but assures the man that his disability qualifies him for extra points. “You got the job, sir. Most of us come in at 8am, but you can start tomorrow at 10am.”

“Why do I get to start late?” Asked the man.
“This is a government job. For the first couple hours we just drink coffee and scratch our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”

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Little Johnny was at school when his teacher asked the class ‘Jane. What did you do last weekend? ‘I went for a ride on a choo choo train.’ Jane replied proudly. ‘That’s fantastic!’ replied the teacher, ‘but you need to use grown up words. Next time just say train, not choo choo train.

Tim, what did you do last weekend?’ Tim thought for a second and said ‘I went to granny and grampys house.’ ‘Oh that’s lovely’ replied teacher, ‘but remember to use grown up words. Grandma and grandpa. Johnny, what did you do last weekend? And remember to use grown up words.’ Johnny though for a few seconds and said ‘I read a book’ ‘Oh very good. What was the name of the book?’ ‘Whinny The Shit.’

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