A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

“You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I’m on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.”

“Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?”

“What…you coming empty handed?”

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A middle aged man is at his local RiteAid Pharmacy. He needs to buy condoms, but he doesn’t know what size he needs.

So he asks the cashier at the checkout line. She reaches over the counter, grabs his crotch, and calls out over the intercom, “Medium condoms needed at register 3!”

An older gentleman has the same problem later that day, so the woman grabs his crotch and calls out, “Large condoms needed at register 3!”

A few minutes later a 16 year old boy walks in with the same dilemma. The woman grabs his crotch and calls out, “Clean-up at register 3!”

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A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table.

As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. “Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?”

The waiter replied, “Yes. Ever since an efficiency consultant visited our restaurant… He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen.”

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, “Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?”

The waiter replied, “Yes, we all do. Seems that the same consultant determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men’s room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time.”

“Wait a minute,” said the diner, “how do you get your penis back in your pants?”

“Well, I don’t know about the other guys, but I use the spoon.”

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An 80-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the senior a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 85-year-old senior reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. “Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.” The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?” The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”

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