A blonde gets a job painting lines on the highway. At the end of the first day, her supervisor is impressed. “Wow!” he says. “You did eight miles today! That’s amazing!”

The second day, the blonde’s production is down to four miles. “Still pretty darn good,” the supervisor says.

On the third day, the blonde only does two miles. The supervisor calls her into the office. “What’s going on?” he asks. “The first day you did great with eight miles, then yesterday you were down to four, and today you only managed two. What’s the problem?”

The blonde rolls her eyes and says “Duh! The paint bucket keeps getting farther away!”

“““““

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St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates, and says “The only reason you aren’t already inside is because you have sinned and never confessed. This is your amnesty, if you have a confession, now’s the time.”

The first nun was very hesitant but finally stepped forward. “I saw a man’s penis once and had impure thoughts.”

St. Peter replied, “That’s okay, just wash your eyes out with holy water, and you may enter.”

The second nun stepped forward. “I touched a man’s penis once.”

“That’s okay, Sister,” St. Peter replied. “Just wash your hands in holy water, and you may enter.”

The fourth nun begins to cut in front of the third, and an all-out brawl breaks out between the two. Habits and hair go flying as St. Peter breaks it up. “Sisters, what has gotten into you two?”

The fourth nun, brushing herself off, says, “I only wanted to rinse my mouth out before she sticks her ass in that water.”

——-

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A German, an Austrian, a nun and an attractive woman sit on a train. The lights in their car are broken so in every tunnel it gets really dark.

The train drives through a tunnel, it gets dark and suddenly you hear a slap and someone cries out in pain. When it gets bright again its obvious that the Austrian was slapped in the face.

The nun thinks: Well he tried to grope the young woman, so she slapped him.

The young woman thinks: He tried to grope me but messed up and touched the nun, who slapped him.

The Austrian thinks: That German guy tried to grope the woman and she tried to slap him, missed and hit me.

The German thinks: In the next tunnel I’ll hit him again.

“““““

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A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?” The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”

“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.

“Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man.

“Don’t you realize I can kill you with a word?” asked Satan.

“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even tone.

“Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY… for all eternity?” persisted Satan.

“Yep,” was the calm reply.

“And you’re still not afraid?” asked Satan.

“Nope.”

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Well, why aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for the last 48 years!!..

——-

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