Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he’s in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes. Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

“Who sneezed?” he asks.

Deathly silence.

“I repeat,” says Stalin, “who sneezed?”

Not a peep.

“Very well,” says Stalin. “First row, stand up!” Everyone in the first row stands up. “Guards! Open fire!”

A few seconds later, the entire first row of the audience is lying in bloody heaps on the ground.

“Now, who sneezed?” Still not a whimper. “Second row, stand up! Guards! Open fire!” The second row writhes and breathes its last.

“Now, comrades: who sneezed?” Absolute silence. “Third row! Stand up! Guards! Op….”

“Wait! Wait!” From the sixth row a man rises, shaking so hard with fear that he can barely stay on his legs. “Please! Comrade Stalin! It was me. I sneezed.”

Stalin fixes his eye on the wretch. The entire audience watches, paralyzed.

“You sneezed?”

“Yes, Comrade Stalin, yes. It was me.”

“Bless you, comrade!”

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A lady approaches her priest and tells him “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest inquired.

“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'”

“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship.”

“Thank you!” the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say “Hi we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun?”

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered”

——-

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It was Doug the Mailman’s last day on the job after 40 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. “All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “But what’s the dollar for?” “Well,” she said, “Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, ‘Screw him. Give him a dollar.’ The breakfast was my idea.”

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Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
~Margaret Mead

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
~Ron White

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
~Isaac Asimov

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
~Mitch Hedberg

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
~Mark Twain

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.
~Oliver Herford

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
~Winston Churchill

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
~Terry Pratchett

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
~Anthony Burgess

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Business Inspirational Quotes for entrepreneurs at MaxSupreme.com