A hot air balloonist got blown way off course. Realizing how lost he was he decided to lower altitude to see if he could get some help from someone on the ground. He saw a large wilderness expance but luckily he noticed a hiker so he called out:

“Hello! I was supposed to meet my friends hours ago but unfortunately I got blown off course and have no idea where I am. Can you help me?”

The hiker replies:

“You are floating about 25′ above a small clearing in the Allegheny National Forrest and you’re about an hour and a half north of my camp site.”

Frustrated the balloonist yells down:
“You must be an engineer”
“How did you know that?” The hiker responded with surprise!

The balloonist said “because while everything you said is technically correct, it is of absolutely no use to me and I am still lost!”

“I get it, you must be a contractor.” Said the hiker.
How did you know that?” The balloonist responded equally surprised.

“Well you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, you have made promises you can’t keep and you’re in the exact same position you were in before we met….But now it is my fault.”

“””””

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Omar Epps moved next to Chris Hemsworth. Initially they didn’t talk much, but after a little time they started having family get-togethers. They became good friends for a while, even going so far as to have little decoration challenges every holiday.

Omar always pulled out all the stops come Christmas, and he seemed to enjoy it so much that, often, Chris would concede and just admire his neighbor’s over-the-top yuletide spirit.

But one year, Chris felt like upping the ante and properly competing. So instead of doing a large spread of house decor, Chris commissioned the construction of an enormous lawn ornament.

The next evening, Omar looked across the lawn and gasped–there, standing taller than a house, was a towering statue of Thor, colorfully lit and dressed like an elf.

He laughed it off as ridiculous and tacky, but to his surprise it was drawing much more attention, from strangers and neighbors alike, than his own festive manor.

More than a little disgruntled that he was no longer the talk of the HOA, he made his irritation known at dinner. Curious, his oldest daughter went over to see this titan in person.
Later that night, Chris awoke to his children’s shouts. He ran to the window and saw his beautiful Elf Thor flaming. The fire department came, but too late, as the damage was done and the magnificent creature destroyed.

Chris checked the cameras and saw what looked like a teenager approaching the statue, but before he could make out who it was, the feed cut. All footage past this point was corrupted.
Distraught, he reached out to Omar and admitted how important it was to him to win the decor war just one year, and he just wished he could find out who this kid was. Omar consoled him as best he could, but now worried he was going to have to confront his daughter….

He knocked on her door and asked her to be honest with him. She scoffed, and pulled up the house security on her laptop. Sure enough, there she was, walking back to the house only 10 minutes after leaving to see the statue. According to the CFI, the fire started over an hour later.

We may never learn the truth, but we know one thing for certain: Epps’ teen didn’t kill Hems’ elf.

“””””

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Three women died and found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter said to the first woman, “How many men did you sleep with in life?”
The first woman said, “I only slept with one man: my husband. And I didn’t sleep with him until after we were married.”

Saint Peter turned to the angel standing next to him and said, “Give her the key to the Silver Room.”
The angel gave the woman a silver key, and the woman went into Heaven with the key.

Then Saint Peter said to the second woman, “How many men did you sleep with in life?”
“I remained a virgin my whole life, for I was a nun and I devoted my life to God.”

Saint Peter turned to the angel and said, “Give her the key to the Golden Room.”
The angel gave the woman a golden key, and the woman went into Heaven with the key.
Then Saint Peter said to the third woman, “How many men did you sleep with in life?”

“I slept with 13 men before I started dating my husband, 35 men while we were dating, 49 men while we were engaged, 56 men while were were married, and 28 men after he died.”
Saint Peter turned to the angel and said, “Give her the key to my room.”

“””””

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A husband and wife in their sixties were coming up on their 40th wedding anniversary. Knowing his wife loved antiques, he bought a beautiful old brass oil lamp for her. When she unwrapped it, a genie appeared.

He thanked them and gave each of them one wish. The wife wished for an all expenses paid, first class, around the world cruise with her husband. Shazaam! Instantly she was presented with tickets for the entire journey, plus expensive side trips, dinners, shopping, etc.

The husband, however, wished he had a female companion who was 30 years younger. The genie smiled and… Shazaam! Instantly he turned 93 years old.

“””””

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