An engineer dies and is sent to hell. He’s hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.

One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what’s up?

The Devil says, “Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer.”

“What?” says God. “An engineer? I didn’t send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately.”

The Devil responds, “No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him.”

God demands, “If you don’t send him to me immediately, I’ll sue!”

The Devil laughs. “Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

——-

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A man wakes up at home with an awful hangover after a long night of drinking. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. “Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping. Love You!” Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

He asks, “Son, what happened last night?” His son says, “Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door”. Confused, the man asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!” His son replies, “Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said, “LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I’M MARRIED!”

——-

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A car is pulled over by the police

“Is there a problem officer?”

Cop: You were swerving a lot back there.

“Well I had 8 beers officer,”

Cop: We’ll that’s no excuse to let your wife drive

Little Timothy was a bright young boy, and he was even fairly handsome. The only problem was that he was lost his eye in a fishing accident when he was younger. His family was too poor to afford a glass eye, so his grandfather whittled him a wooden one.

He was made fun of all through school for his eye and it completely destroyed his self esteem.

But he was tired of letting the world get him down. The school dance was coming up and he would be damned if he didn’t let himself have a good time.

Timothy had eyes for a girl named Sally. She was shy and just as lonely as he was, due to having a fairly pronounced mustache, earning her the nickname, “Hair-lip”.

Well Timmy saw past her stache and thought she was the most beautiful girl in school, and he decided he was going to ask her out. He waited until lunch, and spotted her eating a peanut butter sandwich alone in the corner of the lunchroom.

He marched up to her and said, “Sally, I’ve been seeing you around for a while, and, well… Would you like to go to the dance with me?”

Sally’s eyes lit up and she responded, “Would I!”

Timothy said, “Hair-lip!” and walked away.

——-

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