German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing. They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says “Please don’t kill me! Spare my life and I’ll grant you all a wish!”

The German throws the fish back and says “I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty”, and immediately a foaming mug of ice-cold German ale appears in his hand. He takes a long swig and when he puts it down, it’s still miraculously full! The Frenchman and Englishman are, of course, amazed.

“I wish,” said the Frenchman, “For a wall to be built around France, ten miles high and ten miles thick, so that nobody can get in and nobody can get out.”

The fish screws up its eyes in concentration for a moment then says. “Done! And what do you want?”

“Is there a wall around France?” asks the Englishman

“Yes.” replies the fish.

“Is it ten miles high and ten miles thick?”

“Yes.”

“And can nobody get in, and nobody get out?”

“Yes.”

“Well then,” says the Englishman, “I want you to fill it with water.”

“““““

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A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a gameshow on TV. After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word “Timbuktu”. It’s a city in Africa.

The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:

“I was a father all my life, I had no children, had no wife, I read the bible through and through on my way to Timbuktu … ”

The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory. But then comes the shepherd, with his poem:

“When Tim and I to Brisbane went We met three ladies cheap to rent. But they were three and we were two, So I booked one and Tim Booked Two … ”

“““““

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One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, “I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.” The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a “thank you” card and a dozen roses waiting for him at the door. Later, a cop came in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, “I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.” The cop left happy. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a “thank you” card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, “I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.” The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

“““““

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A woman brings her pet duck into the vet and patiently waits for the vet to signal she’s next.

A short time later the vet signals to the lady that he is ready for her, and the vet directs her into the next room.

Once inside, the vet closes the door behind her and asks what she has come in for.

The lady gently lays her duck onto the table and tells the vet that her beloved pet is sick.

The vet nodded silently to the woman and began to examine the motionless animal, looking the duck up and down.

After just a few seconds of this the vet takes a step back and says, “I’m sorry ma’am, but this duck is dead.”

The woman exclaims, “What? You’ve barely examined him! Is there anything else you can do? He’s not dead, he’s just sick! I’m sure of it!”

The vet exhales and reluctantly proceeds to the door, opens it, and leads in a large dog.

The vet then motions for the dog to get on the table, after which the dog begins to sniff the duck up and down. The duck still lays motionless.

After a few minutes of this the dog hops back down, walks back over to the vet and nods his head.

The vet leads the dog back out of the room but this time returns with a cat.

The vet leads the cat to the duck, and in a similar fashion the cat begins to sniff the duck up and down.

After a minute or two, the cat jumps off the table, walks to the vet, and nods his head. All the while the duck still remains lifeless on the table.

The vet leads the cat out of the room and returns shortly with a bill for the woman.

The vet hands the woman the bill and tells her, “I’m sorry, but your pet is dead, there’s nothing more we can do ma’am.”

The woman seems to accept the fate of her beloved pet but is soon outraged when she sees the bill.

“120 dollars??” She exclaims. “How are you going to charge me 120 dollars for just telling me my duck is dead?”

“Well ma’am, it would have only been 20 dollars if you would have taken my word for it, but the lab test and cat scan cost extra.”

“““““

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