A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle – a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Sarah Jessica Parker.

That evening, the man brought Sarah Jessica Parker to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening – red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze – perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave-in and leaned over to Sarah and told her he hadn’t had *** for months. Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, ‘Take the dog for a walk.’
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So I was at the bar the other day and suddenly, I feel a large slap on my butt.

Turning around, I spot the ugliest woman imaginable; she was large, heavily tattooed, and caked with metric tonnes of makeup.

She said to me, “Hey there, guy. I saw you over there and thought you should call me.”

I looked her over once again, disgusted, then said, “Do you have a pen?”

She replied “Of course!”

“Well you’d better get back in it before the farmer realizes that you’re gone.”

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“I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing of drugs.”

I said, “Okay, but don’t go into that field over there…..”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this fucking badge?! This badge means I’m allowed to go wherever I wish… On any land! No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear?! Do you understand?!”

I nodded politely, apologized and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard screaming, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life being chased by my big, old, mean bull… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he sure enough would get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

I threw down my tools, ran for the fence, and yelled at the top of my lungs…

“Your badge! Show him your fucking BADGE!!”

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An senior couple gets pulled over by a cop. The wife is driving, but she has a bit of a hearing problem. The officer notifies her that she was doing 38 in a 25 zone. The wife turns to her husband and asks “What’d he say?”

The husband replies “He says you were speeding!” The wife turns back to the officer and says “Oh, sorry officer.” The officer goes on; “License and registration please.” The wife again turns to her husband. “What’d he say!?”

The husband, growing irritated, says “He wants to see your LICENSE.” The wife replies, “Oh, sorry officer. Here you go.” The officer inspects her license and comments, “Ah, you’re from Brownsville. I’ll never forget that city… I had the worst sexual experience of my entire life in Brownsville!” The wife once more turns to her right and yells “What’d he say!!?”

The husband replies “He says he knows you.”

“““““

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