Once upon a time, there were three bears: Mama Bear, Papa Bear, and Baby Bear.

Papa Bear and Mama Bear were getting a divorce. The court had to decide who Baby Bear should live with.

The judge asked Baby Bear, “Do you want to live with Mama Bear?”

“OH NO!” exclaimed Baby Bear. “Mama Bear beats me very badly.”

The judge, obviously surprised, responds, “Well, then, would you like to go and live with Papa Bear?”

“OH NO!” exclaimed Baby Bear again. “Papa Bear beats me even harder than Mama Bear.”

The judge then asks, “Baby Bear, who would you like to live with then?”

Baby Bear responds, “I want to go and live with the Chicago Bears. They don’t beat anyone.”

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Three men are at CIA Headquarters for an interview. At first it’s the usual question and answers until each of them are called in to a room one at a time.

The interviewer, to the first applicant, handed the man a gun,pointed at another door, and said, “We need to make sure that you will follow orders no matter what. In the next room you will find your wife. We want you to kill her.” The man looks at the gun and shakes his head and walks out.

The interviewer calls in the second man and tells him the same thing. The man takes the gun, enters the room, and after 5 minutes comes out sobbing. He couldn’t do it either.

The interviewer calls in the third man and tells him the same thing. The guy takes the gun and enters the room. He’s only in there for a few seconds before several shots ring out followed by screams, cursing, and a lot of banging.

The applicant finally walks out, his face splattered with blood and his suit torn. The interviewer askes, “What the hell happened?”

“Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks. I had to kill that bitch with the chair!”
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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?’ The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’

The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!’

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A very spiritual man was in dire need of money. The man was out of work and his rent was due by the end of the week without much money to his name. The man went to church every week and prayed regularly. So the man had an idea to pray to god to win the local lottery.

The first two nights the man prayed for a hour straight nonstop to god, but is none the richer.

The next two nights the man prayed for two hours straight nonstop, but still has not won the lottery.

The last two nights before the rent was due the man prayed for four hours straight nonstop intensely, but still has not won. He started to feel betrayed.

On the last night the man went to the town church and started cursing out the lord and shouting on the top of his lungs with hateful words. The man started kicking over pews and breaking things left and right. As this moment dark clouds started to gather around the church and thunder was heard booming for miles. A large gust of wind came through and knocked the church doors down with a hollowing voice exclaiming…

“IT WOULD HELP IF YOU BOUGHT A DAMN TICKET”!

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