A new recruit arrives on the front lines during world war 2. When he gets there he is told resources are stretched thin and they have not rifles to spare him, although they still expect him to go on patrol. He goes straight to his captain and explains the situation, the captain hands him a broom and tells him if he sees any germans to point the broom handle at them and shout “BANG BANG BANGITY BANG” to kill them. The recruit thinks this is the most ridiculous thing he has ever heard but he has no choice so he agrees and heads out. While on patrol he comes across a German soldier. The German reaches for his rifle, so with no other option the recruit points his broom and shouts “BANG BANG BANGITY BANG” and to his surprise the German drops dead. When he arrives back he immediately thanks the captain.

A couple of weeks went by and our guy had become quite the crackshot, even having a telescopic sight fixed to his broom. One day he was scouting the enemy position from under some bushes when he bumps into a German crawling the other way, in the cramped space he barely manages to point his broom at the German in time, so he returns to his captain and demands a weapon for close quarters combat. The captain takes a piece of string out of his drawer and tells him to hit an enemy with it and shout “STAB STAB STABBITY STAB”. This time he trusts the captain and sure enough it works great.

Another couple of weeks go by and our guy is a legend. He kills dozens of Germans with his broom and string and receives several awards. One day while on patrol in a forest he sees a crazy German soldier in the distance running towards him and shouting at the top of his voice. He is pretty confident in his abilities, takes careful aim and shouts “BANG BANG BANGITY BANG” but the German keeps on coming. He aims again “BANG BANG BANGITY BANG” and again nothing. The German is getting really close so he takes out his string, but as he swings it out and shouts “STAB STAB STABBITY STAB” the German just runs straight into him, knocking him clear off his feet into a tree and breaking several bones. As he lies there dying the German slows down and comes back for a look. He finds our hero lying crushed on the ground asking how this happened. He laughs, turns around and runs off, resuming his shouts of “TANK TANK TANKITY TANK”.

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Kelly showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell over with joy. Kelly hadn’t been to church in years.

Enthused with Kelly’s presence, Father delivered an impassioned sermon on the Ten Commandments. After Mass, skirts flying, Father caught up with Kelly at the church door. “Kelly, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what brought ya?”

Kelly said, “To be honest Father, a while back, I lost me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that Murphy had a hat just like it, and I knew that Murphy came to church every Sunday. I figured I would sit behind him and steal his hat.”

Father said, “Well, Kelly, I notice ya didn’t steal Murphy’s hat. What changed your mind?”

Murphy said, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided not to steal Murphy’s hat after all.”

The priest gave Kelly a big smile and said; “After I spoke about the seventh commandment, Thou Shalt Not Steal, you decided not to steal Murphy’s hat?”

Kelly shook his head and said, “No, Father. It was when you got to the sixth commandment, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery.”

“I remembered where I left my hat.”

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An old miser was on his deathbed. Because of his obsession with money, he didn’t have any friends, so surrounding him were his priest, his doctor, and his lawyer. He said to them, “They say you can’t take it with you, but I want to prove them wrong. Each of you take one of these envelopes. They each contain $30,000. After they put me in the ground, before they throw the dirt on, throw these envelopes in my grave.” They agree to do just that.

At the funeral, after they threw the envelopes in, they were having a chat. The priest said, “You know, I’m not feeling so great about what I just did. I need to confess something. We’re building a new church, you see, and we needed some extra money. So I took out $10,000 and threw the rest in.” The doctor says, “I too have a confession to make. We’re building a new hospital, and I took $20,000 out for that project.” After hearing this, the lawyer says, “Gentlemen, I am ashamed in you both. How could you do such a thing? I’ll have you know I threw in a check for the full amount!”

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The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, ‘Hello.’

‘Mrs. Sanders, please.’

‘Speaking.’

‘Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband’s doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.’

‘What do you mean?’ Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

‘Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can’t tell which is which.’

‘That’s dreadful! Can you do the test again?’ questioned Mrs. Sanders.

‘Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.’

‘Well, what am I supposed to do now?’

‘The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him.’

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