A man is about to go off on a week long business trip and wants to do something nice for his wife since he won’t be there. He goes to a sex store and comes across what was labeled as a voodoo dildo with the instructions “simply say ‘voodoo dildo’ then the location for it to go to work. Clap 3 times to stop.” He goes home and shows it to his wife, he says “voodoo dildo, my wife’s vagina.” The dildo jumps out of his hand and goes to work. He explains the instructions to stop but she wasn’t really focused at the time. He departs.

About an hour later the wife has had the most amazing experience of her life and is done for the night. However, she does not remember the instructions to stop it. After about 20 more minutes of trying to stop it the toy becomes more painful and she decides to go to the ER. As you might expect she has a hard time keeping her lane and it a police officer happened to see her car. The police officer, thinking she’s drunk, walks up to the car and asks how her night has been. She repels “Not so great, I can’t drive because my husband bought me this voodoo dildo” as the cop immediately cuts her off and says “sure, voodoo dildo my ass…”

——-

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At first, God created Adam, but then a short while later, Adam started to get lonely, so he decided to go to God and let him know.

“God, I am very lonely, he said. I am in need of a companion”

“Well, how do you want your companion to be?” asked God.

“I want someone to care about me. Someone to help me sleep at night, and listen to what I have to say, and comfort me, and love me. I need someone who will be there for me and be honest with me and help me through tough situations, and would prioritize me over their personal needs. I just need someone who can make me happy.”

“I can do that, but it will cost you an arm and a leg.”

Adam pondered for a while.

“What can I get for a rib?”

——-

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How to pick up girls:

Try this:

Acquire several dozen limes.

Go up to them and then drop all the limes.

Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.

Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).

Finally gather up the limes. Try looking a bit sheepish.

Look them deeply in the eyes and say, “Sorry, I’m bad at Pickup Limes.”

“““““

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Two Italian men get on a bus. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”

“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”

“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spella ‘Mississippi’.”

“““““

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