An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don’t dig up that garden. That’s where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man’s house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn’t find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie

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A girl goes into the doctor’s office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red ‘H’ on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’s so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue ‘Y’ on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green ‘M’ on her chest. “Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor.

“No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?”

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A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1.

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. “Better start running” she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she… ahem… rewards him… then he steps on the scale. He lost 1 pound!

As he leaves he sees a new sign next door. “Lose 2 pounds for $2”. He pays, enters. This time there are two gorgeous naked women in running shoes. They say “Better start running.” He does, chasing them around the track. Two hours later he catches them. He is doubly… rewarded. On his way out the scale shows he lost 2 pounds!

The man leaves. Sure enough, next door there is a final sign: “Lose 3 pounds for $3.” By now the fat man is exhausted and can barely walk… but he cannot resist. He pays and enters. The door slams shut behind him and locks.

Alone on the running track is a 6’4″ muscular male body builder, naked except for running shoes. The naked athlete points down at his enormous erection, smiles at the fat man and says…

“Better start running.”

“””””

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Three female spies – a blonde, brunette, and a redhead – are captured by the enemy and sentenced to die before a firing squad. On the morning of the execution they take the redhead out of the holding cell, blindfold her, and put her up against the wall.

The firing squad shoulders their rifles. The command comes: “Ready, aim…”

Suddenly the redhead yells, “TORNADO!”

Panicked, the riflemen drop their guns and go running away in all directions. The prisoner manages to escape during the confusion.

“Hey, did you see that?” says the brunette to her cellmate.

“I don’t get it,” says the blonde.

“She yelled out the name of a natural disaster, then escaped when the firing squad ran away. I’m gonna try that!”

So they take the brunette out and put her against the wall. “Ready, aim…”

“FLOOD!” shouts the brunette, and she escapes when the panicked soldiers go running.

“Oh, I get it!” says the blonde.

So they reassemble the riflemen and bring out the blonde. They put her up against the wall. “Ready, aim…”

And the blonde throws back her head and yells, “FIRE!!”

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